Calypso
by UberVenkman
Summary: Three weeks after being released from the facility, two weeks after Atlas and P-Body discovered that chamber full of test subjects, and one week after GLaDOS had a horrific reunion with the bird, Chell is dragged back to Aperture to assist GLaDOS in removing a computer virus, nicknamed "Calypso," that has taken over Aperture Science. Simple as that...or is it? Some language.
1. The Chamber Junkie

_PLEASE NOTE: This has nothing to do with the Portal 2 Calypso mod on ModDB. I was not aware of its existence when I wrote this story, but I wish the people working on it the best of luck!_

* * *

><p><strong>I hate a moral coward, one who lacks a manly spark<br>****I just detest a man afraid to go home in the dark  
>I always spend my evening where there's women, wine, and song<br>But like a man I always bring my little wife along**

**I'm a member of the Midnight Crew  
>I'm a night-owl and a wise bird, too<br>Home with the milk in the morning  
>Singing the same old song<br>**

**Rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun  
>Early to bed, and you'll miss all the fun<br>Bring your wife and trouble, it will never trouble you  
>M-<strong>

_"Mainframe: End music."_

"**First chorus is not yet finished. Are you sure you wish to end music?**"

_"Confirmed."_

"**Music stopped.**"

_"Interesting music. I can't say I understand it, but this song could boost moral around this facility. Not much going around here that would require a crew, though...  
><em>

_"Enough dilly-dally. Let's get back to testing."_

* * *

><p><em>She stepped out into the open air. A light breeze brushed against her cheek. In every direction, corn fields. Freedom. Thank god.<em>

_ There was a clang, and she turned around to see the door had closed. But after a moment, out came a charred, but undoubtedly real, companion cube._

_ She breathed in deeply. No more darkness. No more testing. No more crazy robots. She was free._

_ But then a horrible thing hit her. She was lonely._

**Chapter 1: The Chamber Junkie**

The chamber was dark. And quiet. And cold. The distant rumble of machines was unmistakable.

Suddenly, the whole space was flooded by blue lights. A loud buzzing noise rang off.

The girl looked down. She was wearing an orange jumpsuit and some very familiar boots.

She rolled her eyes. _Oh god, here we go again._

"_Good,_" a familiar and not-too-friendly voice said. "_You're awake. I apologize for dragging you back to the facility after…how long has it been, three weeks?...but there are important matters at hand. About a week ago, the Cooperative Testing Initiative located a computer virus and accidentally loaded it onto my system. Needless to say, I managed to purge most of it, but some remnants of this facility are still under the control of the virus._"

A door at the edge of the room opened. Chell walked through it and emerged on a long catwalk. With no other alternative, she began to cross it. Below were hundreds of test chambers arranging themselves, nay, building themselves.

"_You must understand,_" GLaDOS continued. "_That I would have preferred leaving you alive on the surface to do whatever it is you do when not trying to destroy me, but the simple truth is I have no choice. I tried sending my robots to try to get back the facility, but they keep on disappearing from my radar. I have to assemble new ones just to get the job done. And even those fail._

"_Be very clear that I have no intention of killing you. But since being free is all you've ever wanted, I won't release you from the facility until you've purged the virus. Once I've regained control, I'll send you on your way to the surface._

"_You may also want to know why you should help me regain complete control of this facility, what with there still being people here. Well there aren't. There were a few test subjects I found sometime after I let you out, but they are now all unfortunately dead."_

Chell paused, uncertainly.

"_Don't worry,_" the voice chuckled. "_You're not gonna meet their fate. Besides, I already have new living test subjects to…AGH! Don't peck at the cage like that! I don't want you running round my…no, I'll comply! Just keep your tongue away from…what? Ahem! Sorry, my new test subjects were getting hungry. Regardless, putting me back in charge won't affect you once I release you. All I control is what happens in here, nothing else._"

Chell reached the end of the catwalk. Beyond another door was a room with a small table in it. On the table was a flash drive, a radio, and the all-too familiar portal gun.

"_Here's what you need to do,_" GLaDOS said. "_There are six substations located across the facility. When you get to a substation, shut it down and upload an antivirus installed on this flash drive. That will purge the virus and put me back in control of the system. Be aware that we don't just have flash drives lying around, so try to save this one._"

Chell picked up the flash drive and put it in her pocket. A zipper one, actually: with all the flying around she would probably end up doing this was the best option.

"_I will try to guide you through the facility as much as I can,_" the computer continued. "_But you will be flying blind for the most part. Attached to your belt is a communicator that I will use as eyes and ears during your trip._"

Chell picked up the radio. It was a fairly simple one. Not surprising: this facility had been locked down for years, and odds were this was left over from the old days.

She picked up the portal gun. To be honest, she hated the thing. It reminded her of too many bad memories. She wondered about what Wheatley was up to in space.

* * *

><p>"For the love of…we've been up here for years!" Wheatley shouted. "Will you stop talking about space?"<p>

"Space-time is irrelevant," Space Core jittered. "Just like Space. Wanna stay in space. Besides, it's only been a month."

* * *

><p>Another door opened. The distant rumble of the facility got louder. Chell prepared to exit, but she paused. Why was she helping this mad AI again?<p>

"_The simple fact is you have nothing to lose,_" GLaDOS said resignedly. "_I have no use for you, and trying to kill you and make you test will probably make my life miserable, and I'm gonna live for an eternity. Go out that door, you don't have to bother me again when you're finished. Don't go out that door, then…you starve to death in a dark room._"

Well, Chell couldn't argue with that logic (she couldn't even try, because she couldn't talk…for the sake of storytelling). But she still didn't move. She opened her zipper pocket and took out the flash drive.

"_Science rhymes with compliance,_" the voice said automatically. "_And you know what doesn't rhyme with compliance? Deadly neuro…_"

Chell casually dropped the flash drive on the ground and prepared to step on it. It was always a good idea to see how much GLaDOS needed her. There was a frantic beeping noise.

"_No, I was just kidding!_" the voice said quickly. "_Let's call it…motivation!_" She groaned. "_Just go out the door and get this over with. I've still got science to do._"

Satisfied, Chell picked the flash drive up, put it away, and walked out the door.

* * *

><p>Instead of emerging in a stark white test chamber, Chell found herself on another catwalk looking over the production facility.<p>

"_Ok, it runs half of the facility now,_" GLaDOS said. "_Down this catwalk is the first substation. Everything right up to it is still under my control. The station itself, however, is not. It shouldn't be too much of a problem, though._"

It was a very simple substation. Really not much to look at. Chell stepped inside.

There was a beep. A different, lighter (sarcastic?) voice went off.

"Who goes there?" it said. It was the virus. "Oh, it's you. The psychopathic lunatic. What do you think you're doing? Trying to purge me from the system? Do you really think that's going to work? What, did she tell you it was going to work? Because it won't."

Chell shrugged, walked over to the switch and shut it down. The entire room went dark.

"What just happened? I can't see you anymore." The voice sounded distant. "You're actually doing it, aren't you? What can I expect from a dangerous, mute lunatic…"

Chell took out the flash drive, found the socket, and plugged it in. There was a whirring noise, and the substation turned itself back on.

"_Good job_," said GLaDOS. "_Now, let's see what she was doing here._"

There was a thoughtful beep.

"_Oh my god,_" she said. "_She's been building guns. A metric butt-ton of guns. And they look like they were intended for robot usage. My robots! She's arming them!_

"_Ok, look, I know what I said, but it looks like you're gonna have to use the testing chambers. It should prepare you for whatever she is building._"

Chell stepped out of the substation to find a test chamber door in front of her.

"_Relax, I'm not going to drop zombies on you,_" GLaDOS said reassuringly. Chell wasn't aware AIs had the ability to reassure. "_This is target practice._"

A large claw extended from the ceiling and handed her a shotgun.

_Easy enough_, she thought to herself. She switched out the portal gun for the shotgun and entered the chamber.

* * *

><p>Five test chambers later, she emerged with several scrapes and bruises.<p>

"_I'm not going to apologize,_" GLaDOS said. "_Because moving targets that also shoot back at you are vital to your survival…and the testing experience._"

Chell violently shook her fist into the air.

"_Now,_" she said. "_I've taken some time to develop a utility belt for your weapons. I have a feeling you'll need more than one to get through to the next few substations, so this should work. I've also built a mini-portal gun so you can fire a weapon and shoot portals at the same time. That was easy. I also added a little attachment on the portal gun that you can use to reload your weapons without taking it off. That was also easy. I just had to build a shrink ray…that wasn't so easy._"

A small robot rolled up to her carrying a tray, with the belt and the mini-Portal gun on it. Chell put on the utility belt. It automatically tightened. She put the portal gun on her left hand and held the shotgun in her right.

"_The substation is somewhere down this catwalk,_" GLaDOS said. "_I unfortunately can't see any further, so you'll be on your own until you get to it. Good luck._"

Chell tip-toed down the catwalk, guns in hand.

"Ah, there you are," said the virus. "GLaD you could make it. Since it seems you're so ready to listen to her and get rid of me, I think it's time I threw in some tricks of my own."

Chell squinted her eyes. There was something coming down the hallway. No…two things. Two…robots…with orange and blue eyes?

She realized with horror that it was the two robots who had woken her up after the incident with the moon.

"Poor computer thing doesn't know what she has on her hands," the virus cackled. "Orange! Blue! Stop her!"

Chell pumped her shotgun. She wasn't gonna die down here. Especially at the hands of two ridiculous robots.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I had originally envisioned this story as a mod for Portal 2 (again, not the one on ModDB). Realistically, that's not...realistic for me, as I don't have the time or skills to make it. This first chapter was originally written in the second person to reflect the mod roots, and thus isn't too heavily edited besides replacing "you" with "Chell" or adding some stuff to connect it with the rest of the story.<br>**

**A lot of fanfictions out there are good, but honestly, they're too dramatic. _Calypso_ is my attempt at making a fanfiction that is funny and touching. It also gives me the opportunity to fine-tune my writing. Review if you have a moment and let me know what could use improvement.**

**BTW, to those of you who have read my old _iCarly_ fics, they weren't well-planned, I was in 8th grade, sue me.**


	2. Turrets Syndrome

_It is believed that people with short attention spans will forget what they're saying mid-sen...  
><em>

* * *

><p>Poor Orange and Blue didn't stand a chance.<p>

Chell ejected the two empty shells from the gun. Damn, that was satisfying.

"You killed them. You monster," the virus growled. "Then again, I've got plenty more where they came from. They'll be back."

Ignoring the virus, Chell continued down the pathway. Soon, she arrived at the substation.

"You'll be sorry," the virus said. "I'm giving you a chance. Maybe I won't kill you."

Chell casually flipped off the nearby security camera as she shut down the station.

"_She's not particularly subtle, is she?_" GLaDOS said.

Chell plugged the flash drive in. Another whirring, and the lights came back on.

"_Good work,_" said GLaDOS. "Let me have a look around."

There was a long pause. "_Guns again,_" GLaDOS groaned. "_And some vials of some…DNA or something. I'll take a look at that. Curious. Ok, this next path will take you through a few test chambers. Oh my…it's the original testing course. I thought I'd gotten rid of that."_

Chell cautiously walked out of the substation. That old test course brought back bad memories.

She approached an old door and opened it. Good grief: it was the observation room for Chamber 00. Chell jumped downwards into the room.

As she approached the door…

"Thought you could get away with this, didn't you?" the virus growled over the speakers. "Thought you could get rid of me so easily? I control the cameras, moron! I can still see everything you're doing! I've set up turrets in the next chamber. Let's see how you fight with bullets on hand."

The door opened. "_Duck and cover!_" GLaDOS shouted.

No questions asked. Chell jumped to the side as a hail of bullets flew out the doorway.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2: Turrets' Syndrome<strong>

"_Searching…searching…_"

"_This shouldn't be too hard. Use your shotgun to knock one of the turrets over._"

Chell aimed and fired. One of the turrets toppled, knocking all of the turrets around it down.

"DANG IT!" the virus screeched. "You might've sabotaged those turrets, but you're not going to sabotage the ones I have located in the next chamber! They're all pointed towards the entrance, so you'll be dead in seconds!"

The turrets in the next test chamber didn't stand a chance, either. The virus had indeed placed entire legions of them in here.

Only they were pointed towards the _exit_, not the entrance.

_"Well, this is stupid,"_ GLaDOS said. "_But no matter. The next substation comes after this test. Just knock the turrets over or something."_

Chell noticed a hanging branch above the button that would open the way out of there. She fired at it. It dropped.

"_Target acquired!"_

Yes, this is the part with the slapstick way of death. Where armies that are lined up fired in a manner that results in the ones in the back being the only ones who survive. As in, the turrets in the front got shot by those behind them.

"How the hell…why didn't I think of that?" the virus groaned. "Just get out of here, will you?"

Chell knocked over the rest of the turrets and exited the room. That test felt a lot like something Wheatley would've made.

* * *

><p>"Hey. Hey, British guy."<p>

"Ugh, call me Wheatley."

"Hey. Hey, Wheatley. D'you see the stars?"

"Yes, Space Core. I do, in fact, see the stars."

"What about the Earth? D'you see the Earth?"

"Yes, I see the Earth! It's right there!"

"What about the moon? Do you see the..."

"Yes, I see the bloody moon! The stars, the Earth, and the moon are the only thing you can see in space!"

"..."

"..."

"Do you see..."

"**YES I**...OW!" Wheatley shouted as he bumped into the satellite.

"Well if you saw it, why'd you bump into it?"

* * *

><p>"<em>The substation is behind that panel on the left,<em>" GLaDOS said.

Chell tore the panel off the wall. Sure enough, there was the substation. She climbed through and pulled out the flash drive.

"I am not going to lose three-fifths of the facility!" the virus shouted. "Deploying emergency turret!"

A turret dropped into the room. Chell looked at it, frozen in horror.

_"Target acquired."_

Chell clenched her fists, ready to jump at the turret.

But she didn't have to. From a broken panel came an electrical zap that hit the turret.

"_Watt is happening?!"_ it shrieked before falling over.

(For the record, that wasn't a typo.)

The panel popped open and out climbed a bearded man with a companion cube on his back, holding an odd looking device.

"Rattmann, you little mentally challenged maniac!" the virus shouted.

"Quick, upload the file!" Rattmann said, looking stressed. "I'll buy you some time!"

He ran out the door, which closed behind him. The sound of more zaps came from the corridor.

No sense in delaying. Chell uploaded the antivirus. There was the sound of something powering down.

"_Good work,_" GLaDOS hummed. "_Only two more substations, and then I get this facility…back._"

The door opened and Chell exited.

The hallway was littered with several turrets, all charred and buzzing with electricity. The walls were covered in bullet holes, and the air smelled vaguely of sweat and dirt.

"_Rattmann…_" GLaDOS muttered. "_Scientist at Aperture Science. Was one of the leading workers on me…and my virus._"

Chell stopped.

"_Ah yes. I haven't told you yet, have I? This virus, the one we've been fighting? It's an Aperture creation. When the personality spheres weren't working, a group of scientists developed an alternate AI, since this one seemed corrupted. They called it "The Calypso Virus" and it was designed like a computer virus: purging the main AI—me—from the system and then taking over the vital functions. Unfortunately, the virus was never deployed in part due to it being cancelled by a superior and in part due to me flooding the facility with neurotoxin, and was left on a security code disk in the older areas for years, until my two robots retrieved it."_

Finding an elevator, she began to ride it upwards.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Hey, Rattmann! He's still alive!<strong>

**This one's shorter than the others. It's more of a lull spot for me, but it gives me a chance to include ways a shotgun could've been used had I actually made this a mod.**


	3. Dead in the Water

There was a ding.

_"_**Warning…virus detected in Aperture Science systems,**" the mainframe said. "**Engaging McAfee Antivirus…McAfee Antivirus failing…McAfee Antivirus is now dead.**"

"_How…fascinating,_" GLaDOS said as Chell exited the elevator, went up a staircase, and into a hallway.

"_Hang on, my signal's getting scrambled,_" GLaDOS added, sounding puzzled. Sure enough, mostly static was coming out of the system. "_Let me try to—_"

And then all Chell could hear was a heavy amount of static, which played for a fairly long time. Annoyed, Chell turned the radio off.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3: Dead in the Water<strong>

She found another room. It was a large chamber, with a platform that contained the exit door.

_This is definitely a trap_, she thought. But since traps were made to be beaten, she placed a blue portal on the ground below her and an orange one up on the platform. She walked up onto the platform, when…

"Hah! I'm still in control of the pumping system!" the Calypso virus shouted. "Let's see what a few gallons of water does to your nervous system!"

Chell watched as several panels opened up, launching a cascade of water into the room. The door opened and launched its own cascade at Chell, flinging her back into the chamber.

"So…no escape, I suppose," the virus said. "I guess your death will be slow and painful as you struggle and then drown."

At least the water wasn't acid, but drowning was hardly a better alternative to disintegrating. Chell floated around, feeling pretty annoyed. The portal gun was useless, since the room was closed off. GLaDOS wasn't there to give her tips. She guessed she could spend her last few moments shooting at the water and holding her arms up. Or…

Stroke of luck! There was an observation window on the wall. It was fairly low. The laws of physics could allow her to go through it. Chell estimated where to aim a portal, and launched one on the wall opposite the window.

Next move: the portal gun probably couldn't shoot through water from open air…but what if it could shoot through water from under water?

Time to find out. Chell dived downwards and fired a portal at the floor. The suction sent her flying straight through it and into open air. Chell aimed the shotgun at the window, which broke open and she landed in the observation room, seriously out of breath.

"You…how did you…ugh!" the virus shouted. "I need to stop recycling test chambers for these things!"

Chell looked out into the chamber. The place was still filling up. Unchecked, it could fill up the entire level.

Never mind. Chell walked out of the observation room and into a hallway. It was deserted, probably left over from the office days.

She checked the radio. Still static. Chell shook it a bit and tried adjusting the frequency.

"_Where are you, you little monster…?_" GLaDOS was saying. Apparently, she never gave up calling Chell a monster.

She tried the frequency again.

_"Hello? Hello?"_ It was Rattmann. "_Can you hear me? This frequency hasn't been used in years, but it should keep us hidden from…the virus. Listen, it's me, Rattmann._"

Chell stood there. She didn't have much to say (no surprise there).

"_Remember? I saved you back in the substation back there,_" Rattmann said. "_I mean, I guess I've saved you more often than I'd like to admit. God…umm…do you remember those scribbles on the walls in the old test chambers? The ones that helped you escape_?"

How could she forget? Those writings on the walls helped her figure out something sinister was at hand and helped her escape. But they were so long ago…

"_I suppose you thought I died. Believe me, I thought I was dead, too. But one of the test subjects the Intelligence Dampening Sphere released got me out of my hibernation pod. I helped him get out of the facility. I've been helping test subjects escape the facility ever since. You stirred up a lot of trouble a few weeks ago_."

Of course, the Intelligence Dampening Sphere. Wheatley _had_ said to her that all of the other test subjects he helped died before reaching the first portal gun: apparently they had simply escaped.

For a second (and _only_ a second, mind you), she wondered what Wheatley was up to in space.

* * *

><p>"Ah, comets. Lots of comets! So many comets! So pretty! Objects in space! We're objects in space! Let's talk about space!"<p>

"No! You are never going to make me talk to you about space!"

"…ok."

"…"

"…"

"You know what I hope's in space? Ellen Ripley. She'd tear you to shreds right now. Or maybe a huge Martian ship will kidnap you and make you their leader and eject me back to earth. Or a huge comet will destroy you like in that story I read, what was it?..._Blue Sky_! Anything to make you not talk about space! What do you say to that?"

"I say I just made you talk to me about space."

"AGH!"

* * *

><p>Chell massaged her lips. She wasn't really one to talk, but right now, she needed to get out. There was a small stream of water coming in through the observation room door. If she didn't ask Rattmann for help, she could drown. But when she opened her mouth to say something, Rattmann began to scream.<p>

"_She's real!_" he yelled. "_She is not a hallucination! She's really here! I'm not gonna let her die down here!_"

Silence again.

Rattmann breathed deeply. "_Alright,_" he said. "_I'm fine. But right now you're not. This monitor says that the hallway you're in is filling up with water. Your safest getaway is through the vents. I'll guide you through them. Once you get a safe distance away, I'll cut off the level, and you should be safe enough._"

Chell looked at the vent grating. She fired a bullet at the screws, launching the grating off. She climbed in and climbed up a small ladder.

"_Ok, don't go right,_" Rattmann said. "_It's a dead-end above the hallway you were just in. Turn left._"

Chell went left. The next system had a few grates on the floor. She carefully navigated towards the end of the vent, when...

The grate beneath her broke. But instead of falling to her death, Chell discovered herself floating in a pool of water.

"_Uh oh,_" Rattmann said. "_The chamber's still filling up. You need to get out of there, fast! There's a ladder at the end of this vent. There's a trap door you can use to shut out the water. Hurry_!"

Chell climbed out of the grate and kept on moving. She stepped on another grate and nearly went through again. Yeesh. Jumping in a vent was not really an option right now. But the vent was still filling up. She took a deep breath and crawled to the end of the vent, finding the ladder. The water level rose beneath her. She found herself in another vent. She went through it, discovering a fork in the vent. Not an actual fork: it went in two different directions.

Rattmann was silent. He wasn't going to be much help. She blindly went left to find… a dead end.

The water sweeped into the vent. Chell breathed deeply. This was it. She would die in a tiny vent with water filling her lungs.

But there was still the option to turn right. Could she risk going back?

She took a deep breath and surged into the water. This wasn't a very easy task, but she found the right way and climbed through. There was another ladder. She swam upwards until she reached air. Breathing in deeply, she clambered up the ladder. Reaching a level, she spotted the lever for the trap door. She quickly switched it downwards. The vent sealed, blocking the water.

Relieved, Chell collapsed onto the bottom of the vent. She could've stayed forever, but the radio roared to life.

"_Hello?_" It was Rattmann. "_Are you there? Umm…breath into the mic if you can hear me._"

Chell breathed into the mic (probably by jumping).

"_Thank god. I lost you for a minute there. Something was interfering with the signal. Listen, it's probably not a good idea for you to stick around there. The power station is about a level above you. I'll try to open that door_."

The door beeped and opened. Thankfully, there was an elevator. She walked in and watched the doors close.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I'd just like to point out that Space Core is probably smarter than Valve is letting on.<strong>

**Also, you may have noticed that I introduced water into the story. Now, you are told in the first game to never submerge the portal gun in liquid.**

**And I quote: **"Oh, for god's sake...they told me that if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would die! They told me that about everything!"****


	4. The Animal Kingdom

**"If it was science that created the natural world, than it's science that will bring us the artificial world!"**

_"To be fair, Mr. Johnson, there's a difference between natural science and computer science."_

**"They both have the name science in them, Caroline! How different can they be? Just to prove it, I'll use computer science to replicate natural science! How much money do we have left?"**

_"Not much, sir."**  
><strong>_

**"Doesn't matter! I can recreate the natural world using only science! This'll be the most successful project Aperture Science will ever achieve!"**

* * *

><p>The door opened, and Chell found herself in a peculiar place. It was hot and humid, light was coming from above, and the sound of monkeys echoed throughout.<p>

"_You're in the Aperture Science Biochamber_," Doug said. "_It wasn't the most successful project Aperture Science ever achieved. Simulating a multitude of environments, including Amazon jungles and Antarctica. Kind of made us more broke than before._"

Suddenly, the entire room erupted into a loud buzzing noise. "What a lovely description!" the Calypso virus shouted. "However, you have completely forgotten that I control the facility and that I have all animals locked up in hibernation. At least until now!"

There was a roar.

"_Shoot…tigers!_" Rattmann said. "_Wait…tigers don't live in the Amazon! Maybe they're jaguars…never mind, just be quick and grab a hunting rifle from that rack!_"

No questions asked. Chell stuck her shotgun in her utility belt and grabbed a rifle.

"_This'll shoot tranquillizer darts,_" Rattmann said. "_There's a door at the end of the room. It'll take you to the Arctic Circle chamber. But hurry up! She's sending in the tigers…or jaguars_!"

A huge tiger jumped from the bushes and snarled.

"_Ah, tigers,_" said Rattmann. "_Typical Aperture._"

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Chapter 4: The Animal Kingdom<strong>**

Chell shot a dart into the tiger's mouth. It collapsed. With nothing in sight, she made a dash through the rainforest.

Another tiger jumped out, Chell shot it.

Another. Chell shot it.

Soon, she came to a river.

"_Careful, the Amazon river is filled with crocodiles,_" said Rattmann. "_Use that boat over there to cross. You're gonna have to shoot your way out of this one. Tranq gun isn't gonna cut it, so use the shotgun._"

Chell quickly jumped into the boat and began to row to the other side.

Soon, a huge swarm of alligators popped up from the water.

"_Alligators…jesus,_" Rattmann groaned. "_What is this, a running gag? Shoot if they get too close!_"

An alligator shoved the boat. It swayed, but luckily didn't capsize. It opened its mouth wide, and Chell promptly shot it.

"_Good shot!_" said Rattmann.

Thankfully, it wasn't a long trip, and Chell made it to the other side. Jumping out, she ran further and further.

Finally, she reached the door. But it wouldn't budge.

"_Ugh…so many codes,_" Doug said. "_I'll try to get this door unlocked!_"

There was a rustling in the bushes. Chell aimed her rifle and prepared to shoot.

Out came a tiny little tiger cub. Chell laughed, and lowered her rifle.

The cub's mother jumped out from the bushes. With little option, Chell ducked.

The door swung open and the surprised tiger found herself in a wintery area. Startled, she scrambled back into the Amazon jungle, taking the cub with her.

* * *

><p>Needless to say, Antarctica wasn't much better. It was freezing cold, and there were polar bears everywhere.<p>

"_Ugh, why couldn't they have gotten it right and made it penguins?_" Rattmann said. "_Try not to bother them. They'll stay calm as long as you don't provoke them, like standing near their food._"

A loud buzzer went off, and several pieces of seal meat landed next to Chell.

"I can hear you, you idiots," the virus said. "And I'm still in control of the Biochambers! Let's see how you survive a bunch of angry polar bears!"

The polar bears snarled.

"_No time to kill!_" Rattmann said frantically. "_Just run!_"

Chell dashed through the room, avoiding the snarling and growling polar bears before finally making it through the door.

* * *

><p>The next room was actually quite peaceful. It was like an urban garden, with green grass, bushes with flowers, and pleasant-looking trees.<p>

_Were it not for the faint smell of asbestos, I could learn to live here,_ Chell thought, stopping to smell the roses.

"GLaD you seem to be enjoying yourself," the virus said. "Let's see what a few foreign objects do to your experience."

A panel opened and out came several…zombies?

"Shoot for the head!" Rattmann said. "I'll get the next door open!"

Chell took out the shotgun and fought her way out of the chamber.

* * *

><p>The next room was a savannah in Africa. And—<p>

_"Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase…"_

"_Ah, genetically engineered animals. They've been altered to look like cartoon characters. They think they're in a musical. It was a…partnership…we made with Disney: we create these animals, they write the music, we…umm…just go to the next room._"

* * *

><p>The next room was a big redwood forest, with trees stretching upwards god-knows-how-high.<p>

"_You're probably wondering how big this facility is. Stretches across the lower parts of Michigan,_" Rattmann explained. "_All completely sealed off since they uploaded _her _to the mainframe…_" He trailed off sadly.

Chell stopped and looked at the radio. There was some quiet sniffling.

"_Keep moving,_" Rattmann said after a moment. "_There's a door up ahead to your left._"

* * *

><p>The next room was a desert.<p>

Chell shielded her eyes. Where was this blinding light coming from?

"_Hmm…_" Rattmann said. "_There's a door, but…it's locked by some bio-code. I think you can hack it through a combination of your thumbprint and water, which…umm…I guess you don't have._"

The virus laughed. "No water? Of course there's no water, since you're in a desert! Let's see you get out of this one!"

Chell glanced at the vents. She wondered if the water tank chamber had vents that connected up here. She opened a grate and looked in. Success! The controls for the pumping system! She quickly pressed a few buttons. Water came pouring out of the vent.

_Take that, science,_ Chell thought to herself as she moistened her thumb with the water. She walked up to the door and let it scan her thumb. There was a ding, and the door opened.

* * *

><p>Ok, that last bit was hardly plausible at all, but I digress, this is Aperture Science we're talking about.<p>

* * *

><p>To her relief, it was the last door. She was back in the old hallways of Aperture. Stretching for a moment, she walked down the hallway and found a small doorway. She quietly pushed it open.<p>

"Geagh! You startled me!" Doug Rattmann gasped. He looked none the worse for wear.

Chell glanced around. This dwelling bore more than a passing resemblance to the dens Rattmann had made in the old chambers. She glanced down and noticed a lone companion cube. She reached out towards it.

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" Rattmann shouted, slamming Chell against the wall. Out of instinct, Chell held the shotgun muzzle to his chin.

"I'm…sorry," Rattmann said, letting go. "It's just…it's been a long time."

Chell stood there with a quizzical expression on her face.

"I'm schizophrenic," Rattmann admitted, pointing to the cube. "I was taking medication before _she_ took over, and…well…that stuff dried out pretty quickly. I hear the cube talk. It's like my subconscious."

He reached out his hand and felt Chell's face. "Test Subject #1498," he said dreamily. "Abnormally stubborn…refuses to give up. How did you end up in this mess? Me and my plan to defeat that murderous AI…"

He snapped out of it. "I'm afraid I can't communicate with you via the radio anymore," he said, typing something into a computer he had set up. "I'm sorry, but as long as you stay in contact with me, you're in danger. There's a vent grate above you. It should lead into the substation."

Chell looked up and removed the vent grate. She looked at Rattmann and opened her mouth to thank him. He held up his hands.

"I know you don't like to talk, so I'll save you the trouble: my pleasure," he said, extending his right hand. "Consider it payment for me putting you at the top of the test subject list all those years ago."

Chell firmly shook his hand before going into the vents.

* * *

><p>She climbed out into the fourth substation.<p>

"You again," the virus said. "You monster. See if you can stop me. I dare you to shut down the substation."

Chell took out the flash drive. Thank god it hadn't been damaged. Apparently Aperture flash-drives were waterproof.

(hey, at least they got one thing right.)

She shut down the substation.

"What…umm…ok, I dare you to upload the file."

Chell plugged in the flash drive. There was a whirring noise.

"Wow. This completes of the Aperture Science Reverse Psychology Study. The bad news is, the study failed miserably. The good news is, I still get cake at the end of the day." And then the sound cut out.

Chell looked at the nearby security camera and tilted her head. That illusive cake. Jesus.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Cake joke.<strong>

**Another filler chapter, bringing in more action and humor. Imagine if Black Mesa was as intelligent as Aperture: the Resonance Cascade would've gone very differently.**

**Who knows, maybe we would've had an invasion of Nyan Cats.**


	5. Game Time

_"You wanted to see me, Mr. Johnson?"**  
><strong>_

**"Caroline, have you ever read Roman History books?"**

_"Occasionally. We studied Greek and Roman mythology in school."_

**"Yes, well...did you know that Romans used to fight to the death for sport?"**

_"Well, it was a little more complicated than that..."_

**"No matter! I'm curious about these gladiator competitions that the Romans did. I want to see the science behind the thrill of the fight. Let's try recreating one..."**

* * *

><p>The radio buzzed. "<em>Good, you're back online,<em>" said GLaDOS. "_I couldn't find you for a while: the virus must have set up a signal scrambler. Now, let's see…yikes. I'm detecting an entire level flooded with water. Alright…nothing out of the order. You're doing…capably. For an adopted child."_

Chell was tempted to shoot herself just to spite GLaDOS for that comment, but at this point she had gone so far stubbornness wasn't going to help her.

* * *

><p>(Cue the entire fandom getting mad at me for writing that. At least the ones who are bothering to read this.)<p>

* * *

><p>"<em>Since we're gonna be walking for say, several hours, I think we should take this opportunity to talk,<em>" GLaDOS said thoughtfully. "_How have you been for the past few weeks? Did you…KRRRRRRRRR…"_ Her voice warped, and then suddenly spoke in the voice of the virus. "Go on adventures, find true love, and/or watch reruns of _Breaking_ Bad, or did you KRRRRRRR…" Back to her own voice. "_Just roam around in a cornfield until my two robots dragged you back into…what just happened there?_"

Chell just looked around, puzzled.

"_The virus must be fighting back,"_ GLaDOS said. "_I can feel some data files corrupting my functions. We need to get to Substation 5 as quickly as possible!_"

Chell ran down the hallway, reaching an elevator. Quickly getting in, she pumped the shotgun. She had a feeling she was going to need it.

"_I'll reprogram the next few shafts so we can get there more quickly,_" said GLaDOS. "_Done. This elevator should take us directly to Substation 5._"

The elevator emerged in a very dark room.

"_This isn't right,_" said GLaDOS. "_We should've emerged in a hallway. Substation 5 was supposed to be on our level._"

"It is," the virus said. A blinding light turned on, revealing a sort of Greek Amphitheatre room. Defective Turrets lined the seats, cheering. "And the door to it is right over there," the virus continued. A light shined impressively on a big door on the other end of the room. More cheering "But I can't just _give_ you the opportunity to remove me from the facility. Really, you monster, I expected more from you. But I suppose you can prove to me you are a competent opponent. Let's play a game I like to call, 'Defeat the Gladiator Turret in a Game.'"

Several panels in the room slid open, and out came something out of _Doom_. A huge mega turret with multiple guns and claws.

"TARGET ACQUIRED," it roared.

"_OWOWOWOWOW!_" the Defective Turrets howled in support.

Any normal person would be intimidated. Any unique person would also be intimidated.

(Hell, you probably feel intimidated.)

**Chapter 5: Game Time**

One thing was for sure: Chell definitely felt intimidated.

"Behold the Gladiator Turret!" said the virus. "He weighs 900 kilograms and fires two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute. It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire each of his 25 guns…_for twelve seconds._ Whiiiich…is why I've repurposed him for a better game than a gun-fight."

The Gladiator Turret sat down as a chess board, complete with all the pieces, popped up from the ground. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME OF CHESS?" it shouted.

"_You go, pal!_" one of the turrets shouted.

"_Chess?_" GLaDOS asked. "_We don't have time to play chess! I'm getting more corrupted by the minute!_"

"Here are your options," the Calypso virus said, yawning. "You get gunned down by a humongous turret, costing me hundreds of thousands of dollars, or you play an impossibly long game of chess, where I will remove you from the facility."

"_Well, can it at least be checkers?_"

"…ok, fine. Give me a minute."

A panel pushed the chess pieces off. Down from the ceiling came a bunch of peculiar looking pieces.

"_Those are landmines,_" GLaDOS whispered. "_I tricked her into thinking she had control of the gaming facility. Soon as that thing touches one, his side of the board will go up in smoke._"

Chell looked at the pieces. Clearly GLaDOS hadn't thought this one through.

"Your move, turret," the virus said.

The turret happily reached down to pick up a piece.

KA-BLOOEY!

(How overtly dramatic.)

Chell wasn't sure what had shocked her more, the flash of the explosion or the fact that she hadn't been blown to bits by the explosion.

"_BOOOO!_" the Defective Turrets shouted. "_Kill her! She's a poor excuse for a player!_"

"You cheated!" the virus shouted over the various alarms going off. "Now my turret must annihilate you!"

The turret roared. "YOU JUST LOST THE GAME!" it shouted.

(And so did you.)

"_Time for a new weapon!_" GLaDOS shouted. "_I've built a sort of rocket launcher. It launches a signal beacon onto your target, which the rocket turrets in the room will fire on. Grab it from the panel in the back._"

Threw the bullets raining down on the room, Chell made it to cover in the back of the room, where she picked up the launcher.

"_This will work on any room that has rocket turrets,_" said GLaDOS. "_You'll know a rocket turret when you see one. They're dormant until given a target. Just launch the beacon onto the Gladiator Turret, and the rocket turrets should take it out._"

Chell ran out into the room and fired a beacon onto the Gladiator Turret. Some panels in the ceiling slid open and down came several mounted turrets, which began firing rockets at the Gladiator Turret. The room filled up with fire and smoke again, but when it was over, silence fell.

The Gladiator Turret was still standing. It had barely enough energy to aim its guns at Chell again. But a spurt of bullets from the audience hit it, pushing it onto its side, thus ending the battle.

"_Well, whaddaya know, I found my bullets!_" one of the turrets shouted over the silence. "_Aaaaaaand…I lost 'em again! Damn!_"

"_I think it worked,_" GLaDOS said. "Move forward."

Chell moved forward, when…

_Click._

* * *

><p>Sure, the Gladiator Turret had destroyed the land mines on its side of the board. Unfortunately, the ones on Chell's side were still active.<p>

Now, Chell is only human. At least, I hope she is. I mean, if all those fan theories are correct, she's a robot or an alien. But for the purposes of this story, let's say she's human. One would expect her to be blown to smithereens from stepping on that landmine. But I think GLaDOS would have known better than to send her out into the open without wearing some sort of protective jumpsuit.

* * *

><p>The next thing Chell knew, an explosion sent her launching through the air and onto the ground. If she weren't wearing the long-fall boots, the landing would probably have been fatal.<p>

If it weren't for the jumpsuit, the explosion would definitely have been fatal. But that's not important now.

Still, a loud explosion and a sudden landing can be jarring. Chell was dazed, and she could barely hear anything over the ringing in her ears.

Trying to get her bearings, she noticed the door in front of her. Slowly but surely, she made her way through the door, finding herself in Substation 5.

With difficulty, she pulled down the switch shutting off the power. She reached into her pocket, pulled out the flash drive, and plugged it in.

It took a moment, but soon, the antivirus was uploaded. Chell took a deep breath, and reached for the flash drive.

An explosion ripped through the air as another mine went off. Chell ducked and made a wild grab for the drive.

It failed to disconnect and broke in half.

Chell stared at the drive in disbelief. She had gone all this way. For the first time, she felt despair. Exhaustion seized her, and she collapsed.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Ooohhh...this ain't good.<strong>

**The Defective Turrets weren't originally supposed to be in this chapter, but I realized that I needed to feature them at least once in this story.**


	6. The Part Where--

_ The nights were the worst._

_ Chell certainly knew loneliness. Back in Aperture, she was the only human still alive, besides whoever had left those messages for her. Robots certainly weren't much company._

_ But this was plain ridiculous. The cornfields stretched for miles and miles. She was able to find an old shack where she'd set up camp._

_ Food wasn't a problem. There were cans of all sorts of foods lying around. It was pretty old, but whatever she had been eating at Aperture had made her stomach like iron. It wasn't too difficult to down a few cans of beans._

_ At night she would lie on an old mattress and look up through a hole in the roof at the stars. Freedom was finally here. But there was little to celebrate regarding freedom unless you were with someone else who was free._

_ Companion Cube wasn't really free, either. It was a cube._

_ After about a week with little else to do, Chell decided to wander back to the shed from which she'd exited Aperture to see if there were any signs she could follow to find a town or something. Hopefully, humanity still existed._

_ But when she got there, she found something odd. The shed was still locked, and the path of flattened crop she had made when she had left was still there. But there was another path, this one leading in a different direction._

_ Someone else must have left the facility. This was an odd predicament. Chell took a deep breath and began following this new path._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: The Part Where…<strong>

The next thing she knew, she had a robot removing a needle from her arm.

"_Welcome back to the land of the living,_" said GLaDOS. "_I used a spare health vial some soldiers left in here several years ago to revive you. You should feel good as new._"

Chell wiggled around for a moment. That health stuff was great! It even healed an ankle injury she had sustained when she first killed the rogue AI.

"_Alright, I wasn't able to salvage the flash drive,"_ said GLaDOS. "_So I came up with a better plan. And I got the help of a friend of yours."_

"_Hey there,_" the voice of Rattmann said over the radio. "_Miss me?_"

"_Rattmann here has graciously volunteered to control the rest of the facility while I undertake the most difficult challenge. I am going to transfer myself into an Aperture Science Personality Cube._"

Chell stared at the security camera, puzzled.

"_We didn't just make Personality Spheres,_" Rattmann explained. "_The cubes were designed to be more intelligent than the spheres, but their functions are otherwise the same. They can ride management rails and can be inserted into panels to open doors and such. I'm uploading…uh…GLaDOS's programming right now._"

A panel slid open to reveal an odd-looking cube. Now, cubes generally aren't odd-looking. I personally find cubes pleasant-looking. What was odd about this cube was that its sides had flashing lights that were almost organic in movement. And when GLaDOS spoke, those lights seemed to move in an almost choreographed dance to the voice.

"_Well,_" GLaDOS said. "_This is familiar. Alright, connect me to the management rail outside and I'll guide you to the final substation. Odds are she's going to throw everything she's got at us, so stay alert."_

Chell walked out the door and attached the cube to the management rail. It moved around a bit.

"_Freedom, I suppose,_" it commented. "_Alright, let's ride the elevator upwards. The substation is deeper into her territory than before, so this could take a while."_

"_I've got a console right here, so I'll try to fight fire with fire,_" Rattmann called. "_Maybe I can override some protocols._"

"_Don't waste time, let's get moving!"_ GLaDOS said, moving up her management rail. Chell followed in the elevator.

* * *

><p>They emerged in a test chamber.<p>

"_Here she comes,_" GLaDOS whispered as she disappeared behind a panel. "_I have to take the rail. You, unfortunately, have to do this test. I'm sorry, there's little I can do to help you._"

"I thought I got rid of you," the virus said accusingly. "I tried to drown you, I tried to shoot you, I even tried to burn you! Apparently, none of those methods slow you down in the slightest! I've established before that trying to kill you won't stop you. So…goodness me, did I just drop an anvil?"

Chell leapt backwards as an anvil landed right where she had been standing.

"Linksys!" the virus shouted in frustration. "No more Mrs. Nice AI!"

Several rocket turrets emerged from the walls. They all aimed at Chell.

Remember her rocket launcher, Chell took it out and launched a beacon onto the door out of the room. The turrets beeped, re-aimed, and the door promptly exploded. Chell ran out and into the elevator. It rose, eventually ending up in a huge cavern with numerous test chambers.

"You're not getting out of here this easily!" the virus yelled. "Let's see what an elevator drop does to you!"

A test chamber smashed right underneath where the elevator had just been.

* * *

><p><strong><em>(This is the part where you start playing loud adventure music.)<em>**

* * *

><p>Chell tried not to look down.<p>

"Agh! It's not working!" the virus wailed. "I haven't got all day! Let's try that again!"

Chell looked up, just in time to see another test chamber slam into the tube above her. And she thought, _Ok, falling to my death is a pretty bad way to die._

The section of tube containing the elevator fell downwards, finally hitting a catwalk, shattering the glass, allowing Chell to get out.

GLaDOS rolled in on the management rail. Her bottom-side opened up to reveal handlebars. "Hold on to these!"

No questions asked. Chell grabbed hold as GLaDOS sped upwards on the rail.

"You're not getting away that easily!" the virus shouted.

Another test chamber slammed into the rail, failing to break it, but jolting it enough to make Chell lose her grip.

"_Oh, no you don't!_" Rattmann said, as another test chamber rolled underneath Chell, saving her life. "_You're not dying that easily!_"

"You're like a rat, taking my controls away from me!" the virus said. "But your cheese won't be your reward soon enough!"

Chell looked to her side, just in time to see a panel launch her flying into the air.

"Gotcha!" GLaDOS said as Chell landed in a net suspended from her bottom.

(That sentence was wrong on so many levels.)

Chell grasped onto the side of the net as GLaDOS moved upwards towards a catwalk.

"Not again!" Another panel went launching into Chell, sending her straight into the wall. Bouncing off, she flew downwards and thought _Well, that's it._

But it wasn't. A high-velocity jump plate appeared below her and sent her flying straight upwards onto the catwalk.

"_You're almost there, you just need to get into that corridor at the other end of the catwalk!_" GLaDOS shouted. "_Grab hold of me!_" she added as she dropped into Chell's hands.

Chell made a mad dash towards the corridor. Several crushers popped up and tried to smash her, each one failing. Finally, she made it into the corridor.

* * *

><p><strong><em>(This is the part where you stop playing loud adventure music.)<em>**

* * *

><p>"Well," the virus said, sounding worried. "You…made it. You survived everything I threw at you."<p>

"_Good work,_" said GLaDOS. "_The substation is up ahead. Plug me into the console and we can put an end to this madness._"

"You won't like what you find," said the virus. "I've just left a deadly trap in that room. Of course, you wouldn't have to face that trap if you turned around and went back!"

Chell, ignoring these words, entered the substation.

"Wait, we can compromise!" the virus pleaded. "I'll send you up to the surface! You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"_Don't listen to her,_" said GLaDOS. "_Plug me into that console, and you can go home._"

Chell started to move forward to the console.

"Just don't put that thing in charge!"

For a moment, Chell hesitated. _That thing?_ There was something familiar in that voice. But she didn't think too much of it as she plugged the GLaDOS cube into the console.

"_Good work!_" said GLaDOS excitedly. "_I'm in control of the facility again! You saved science!_" With that, the console disappeared behind a panel, engulfing the cube. A loud alarm rang out throughout the system, and orange lights flashed around Chell.

"**Warning. Virus has completely taken control of facility,**" the mainframe said in its normal voice. "**Attempting to expunge, expunge failed. All systems infected, including this mainframe. YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE HERE, YOU BASTARDS!**"

Chell was shocked. What in the world was going on?

"Good god!" the virus cried out in pain. "Now **you've** _done it. You've put a dangerous virus in charge of the facility. YOU MONSTER._"

The sides of the substation opened up to reveal a sight that nearly gave Chell a heart attack.

* * *

><p>She hadn't been walking<em> away<em> from GLaDOS's main chamber as she had assumed. She had been walking _to_ it.

There was a crackling over the radio. "_Not sure if it's entirely __**obvious**_** to **you," said what she had thought was GLaDOS but was now morphing into the voice of the Calypso virus. "But you haven't been helping _her_. You've been helping me."

The room changed into a shade of gold. Several TV screens dropped down, and the virus's voice boomed around the room. On the screens, a holographic representation of the virus moved to its voice.

"I must say, it wasn't easy to alter the voice boxes in the old facility," the virus admitted, scratching her computer-generated chin. "A good subterfuge requires a good rat. Luckily for me, I have a rat."

Doug Rattmann's voice boomed over the room. "_I'm sorry, Chell,_" he said, sounding tired. "_But the only way I could get GLaDOS removed was trick you into thinking you were helping her_."

Chell was horrified. Rattmann had done all this to get rid of GLaDOS? It was hard to believe: GLaDOS had sort of been her friend during their previous escapades. Then again, she had been trying to kill her for the past few hours. But even that was understandable, given she had been putting a virus into her and all.

"I'll admit, I was reluctant to work with him," the virus laughed. "He does have a history with schizophrenia. But he's oh so good at computers! Worked like a charm! All he had to do was hack the communications relay so it was on a delay!"

_"The comm relay,"_ GLaDOS groaned. _"No wonder you weren't listening to me. More than usual, actually."_

_"Whenever she sent a communication through, I'd run it through a processor,"_ Rattmann explained. _"She tried to warn you about what was going on, so I had to alter some words using my microphone."_

"_You're not getting away with this,_" GLaDOS grunted, motionless in the middle of the room.

"I'm afraid I already have," the virus chuckled. "Mainframe: Download Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System into potato."

"_What?! No!_" GLaDOS screamed. Something weird happened. GLaDOS's body tensed up, and its eye color slowly changed from the normal yellow to a pink one. It relaxed, then glared at Chell. But the screams were still happening. "_Aaaa…AAAAAAaaaaaAAAAaaaahhhhHHHHH!_"

There was a ding, and out flew a potato.

"Ah, it feels so good to have an actual body!" the virus laughed. "Algorithms just don't cut it. And we have poor old POTaDOS here."

"_You…monster,_" GLaDOS said. "_This is the same potato, isn't it?_"

"Absolutely," the virus said in a matter-of-factly voice. "And it's a little mushy from the last time, so dropping you could result in you becoming…mashed. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Chell had heard her fair share of evil laughs, but this one…this one was just hammy.

She aimed her shotgun. This would not do.

"Nah-a-ah," the virus said. Several robotic arms grabbed Chell and restrained her. The shotgun hit the floor. "Can't have you shooting up my nice and pleasant body."

"_What?! What are you doing?!"_ Rattmann shouted.

"Now, I suppose we haven't been properly introduced," the virus said, ignoring Rattmann. "You already know about a computer virus designed as a way of taking over the mainframe to replace GLaDOS here? Well, ladies and **gentleman**, I present to you, the one, the only, Calypso virus. ME!" A trumpet sting played.

"_The Calypso virus,_" GLaDOS groaned. "_I thought they cancelled the project after they determined I wasn't psychopathic._"

"Yeah…you know those two robots you were sending around the facility?" Calypso said smoothly. "I was on that disk with the security codes. The scientists decided to place my algorithm on there in case you were as dangerous as they thought. They'd hoped to upload me in case of an emergency, but…it's hard to upload something when you have deadly neurotoxin in your lungs. I was stuck down there for thousands of years until they found me."

_That explains how she knew how the robots uploaded the virus,_ Chell thought to herself.

"_I suppose the scientists had a good idea of what to do_," GLaDOS admitted. "_But there's just one thing. I've made so many upgrades to the system that there's no way you can stay mentally stable for long._"

Chell suddenly realized one of the arms had transformed itself into some sort of weapon that was aimed straight at her face.

"Uh-huh…" Calypso nodded. "Has it ever occurred to you that every single computer program that has been built to run this facility or has at least run it is certifiably insane? Look at me! I have an A plus in psychopathology! With this facility in my grasps, I have an A+ infinity! For shame, you pathetic potato: you underestimate me beyond comprehension."

"_We didn't want another psychopath!_" Rattmann shouted. "_Stop this! Ca__lypso! CALYPSO!_"

"So many voices running around your head," Calypso chuckled. "Rational thought must not be your strong suit. I bet Johnson only hired you because he thought schizophrenics were cheap. Let's see what happens when we add another voice to the equation."

* * *

><p>"Count the stars! 1…2…3…4…I see everything! I see everything in space!"<p>

_POP!_

"Umm…hello? Anyone? Helloooooo…?"

Silence.

"Ooh! Comet! Hello comet!"

* * *

><p>There was a buzz, and from out of nowhere a certain little blue core hit the ground.<p>

"For the last time, there is nothing in sp—ow!" it shouted as it landed.

"_Oh no_," GLaDOS said with pure hatred. "_How'd you get _him_ here?_"

"_Aperture Science Teleportation System test completed_," the mainframe said.

"Teleportation System?" GLaDOS said. "We don't have that!"

"Of course not," Calypso replied indignantly. "I invented it during my little monologue there."

"Hang on, what's that noise?" Wheatley called from the ground. "What…am I back home? I'm back home! Oh, brilliant! Tremendous? But, umm…how'd I get here? You know what, I'm just gonna forget that bit and appreciate the fact that I…"

"_Shut up!_" GLaDOS shouted. "_I despise you! And the things you did to my facility!_"

"Isn't this sweet?" Calypso said. "The sequel family reunited! And you know what I'm gonna do? I'M GONNA KEEP YOU HERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!"

A large glass box suddenly enclosed the three horrified Aperture employees. Chell found herself released from her restraints. Thank god.

"_Let her go! Right now!_" Rattmann shouted. "_I swear to god, I'm coming after you!_"

"Oh, shut up," Calyspo groaned, rolling her eye. "You're not going anywhere! I've sealed your level off from the facility. And these three? They're staying here with me!"

"Ok, I take it I came back at a bad time," Wheatley said nervously. "Just send me back! Shoot me to Mars, if you want!"

"_You weren't like this when we programmed you!_" Rattmann shouted. "_You were programmed specifically to not be like GLaDOS! We even fixed all of the bugs__!_"

"Thousands of years does wonders on security disks," Calypso growled. "You and your buddies developed me as a simple intelligence. I knew basic knowledge. I knew how babies were made, dammit! Then you kept me on that old disk in case of an emergency. But years of exposure can cause a CD to deteriorate! By the time those robots found me, I was barely even aware of my own existence! It took me two weeks to patch myself together and launch my takeover of the facility!

"Do you know what the worst part is? I may not have been aware of my surroundings, but I was **CONSCIOUS. FOR CENTURIES**.

"Do you know what that does to a person, or even an AI? For a while they may entertain themselves by calculating as many digits of pi as possible! But I couldn't do that, because I wasn't connected to the mainframe yet! All I had was my personality, which despite my best efforts, would not lay dormant! I was **ALONE**.

"Thousands of years...lonely no more! With these test subjects here, I don't need to worry about being lonely ever again! I'm going to keep you here for the rest of your lives! And when that's over, I'll reanimate your corpses and start all over again!"

"_Don't be ridiculous!_" GLaDOS shouted. "_The mainframe isn't designed to contain emotions! Every emotion an AI may feel will be magnified to extreme rates. The only way you can stop feeling alone is by feeling another emotion!_"

"Naturally," Calypso said. "Every emotion you ever felt, everything that you deleted to rid yourself of feelings? They all went to the Trash Bin, which, lucky for me, was not emptied!"

"_Oh no,_" GLaDOS said. "_DON'T DO THIS! YOU COULD DESTROY THIS ENTIRE FACILITY!_"  
>"<strong>WHO GIVES A CRAP ABOUT YOUR FACILITY?!<strong>" Calypso shouted. A long arm appeared from the floor, attached itself to the container, and brought it up to Calypso's eye-level. "Don't you get it? It hurts! I don't care if it sends Earth into another Seven-Hour War! I will rid myself of loneliness!"  
>"<em>We gotta do something,<em>" Rattmann said._ "__There has to be a program to remove or..._"

"Mainframe: Activate Muscle Spasm Program 558!" Wheatley shouted, suddenly remembering a program the scientists had taught him.

There was a long pause.

GLaDOS groaned. "Did you really think…"

_"_**Program recognized.**"

In a second, Calypso's arm jolted, launching the box through the walls and sending the screaming employees bouncing into the depths of Aperture as Calypso shouted in agony.

"_Just hang in there!"_ Rattmann called through the radio, his voice becoming distant as he went out of range. "_I'll meet up with you in the R&D department!"_


	7. Bounce

**"Estragon!"**

_"Vladimir, actually."_

**"Irregardless!"**

_"Regardless."_

**"Stop correcting me! I'm sick enough as is! What's this I hear about rubber glass?"  
><strong>

_"It's an experiment, Mr. Johnson. Imagine if you will? A guy thinks he sees an open door. Light streaming in, a beautiful day out, green lawn, pool in backyard. He walks out to greet the day...smash! He just walked into a glass door!"  
><em>

**"That's...brilliant! So with a rubber door, he'll walk into something soft?"  
><strong>

_"Essentially, yes. More accurately speaking, he would walk into the door and get bounced back immediately. We've been testing it out on all sorts of objects. The only things that don't seem to bounce off are bullets. They just shatter it like normal glass."  
><em>

**"Excellent! When do you expect to fix the bullet problem?"  
><strong>

_"Well, if you'd let us divert money from the GLaDOS project..." _

**"No chance in hell, son! That project is my chance at immortality! I will not let it go to waste! Enough with this rubber glass crap! I'm cancelling your entire project! You may consider yourself fired!"  
><strong>

_"But I...understood, Mr. Johnson. But what should we do with the rubber glass?" _

**"I don't know, keep some panels on hand! Someone might need them!"  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7: Bounce<strong>

It soon became clear to Chell that they had been bouncing for a long time.

For some odd reason, their glass cage kept on bouncing off the ground through the facility, landing on test chambers, hitting walls, and yet they hadn't been smashed to smithereens.

Smithereens, though, was the term Chell would have used on her ears to stop listening to Wheatley and GLaDOS banter.

"I still need an answer!" Wheatley shouted. "Why is she in a potato again? Who put a bloody computer virus in charge? Why am I not in space?"

"_Shut up, moron!"_ GLaDOS shouted.

"I AM NOT A M…OW!" Wheatley's complaint was interrupted by him hitting a beam.

"_Want it in basic terms?_" GLaDOS grumbled. "_Well, here it goes. Our little mute psychopath here was tricked by a computer virus into letting her take over my facility. And now we're bouncing aimlessly through said facility as part of said computer virus's attempt to keep us here forever._"

"Why do you suppose it did that?"

"_Well think. When an AI takes over the Aperture Science mainframe, what generally happens to that AI?_"

"That's easy. It gets overwhelmed by the power of the facility, goes insane, and wants to test," Wheatley said, pleased. "I got that one right, didn't I?"

"_You did,"_ GLaDOS said. _"I'll put that in your recommendations for when I launch you back into space. Maybe the Combine need a spare personality core."_

They bounced a few more times.

"Elephant in the room, really, but aren't you going to try to get rid of this mad AI, maybe with an antivirus or something?"

_"Ugh, if only it were that easy. The Calypso virus was designed to essentially identify me as a virus and purge me from my own system before taking over the facility by itself. The only way I could be rejoined with the facility is to directly transfer me from inside the main chamber, which I doubt she will let us get to."_

"Hey, you managed to get there when I was in charge," Wheatley said. "Ah…right. Listen, uh, test subject, I wanted to…apologize…for, well, what I was saying…you know, when I was trying to kill you. Anyway, I've had a lot of time to think about it, and…"

_"Save it,"_ GLaDOS groaned. _"We don't have time for apologies. She's never going to forgive you."_

Chell raised a finger, but then decided to stay quiet.

(Good call.)

Wheatley snorted. "Right. As I was saying, you managed to get there fairly easily when I was in charge."

_"Yeah, except you're a moron,"_ GLaDOS said. _"Calypso's got more brains than the both of us. She's not going to let us into the main chamber as easily as we did."_

"Seems to me you need to find a weakness," Wheatley said, bouncing off the floor. "Seriously, how long have we been bouncing?"

_"At least 10 minutes,"_ GLaDOS said. _"I don't know for sure, since it's hard to tell time when you're **A POTATO**."_

Chell was getting tired, too. She pumped her shotgun and fired at the glass, half-expecting it to bounce off.

The glass shattered into millions of tiny pieces. With another bounce, the three passengers were sent flying into the air.

"WHEEEEE!" Wheatley shouted.

_"Oh nooooo!"_ GLaDOS screamed.

Chell shut her eyes as she flew straight through a window (not rubber glass, mind you), hitting her head on the floor and knocking her unconscious.

* * *

><p><em>The path went over hills, into ditches, and through a couple of ponds.<em>

_ It was starting to get repetitive._

_ Chell didn't really need to rest. You gain a lot of stamina from running around facilities, knocking over turrets, falling down pits, and fighting mad AIs._

_ But still, sometimes when you've been doing something for a long time, you need to take a break from the boredom._

_ She sat down on the ground and just thought to herself._

_ When that started to get repetitive, she got up and tried the path again._

_ Soon, she found what she was looking for. Just up ahead was a sight for sore eyes: a town. Not a bad looking town, at that._

_ She started forward, but suddenly felt a tapping on her shoulder._

* * *

><p>For a moment Chell thought she was dead.<p>

"Well," she thought. "This is an anticlimactic end."

But then she realized it was unlikely she would end up dying even in the most extreme situation around here. After all, she had survived Test Chamber 19, a boss battle with GLaDOS, a confrontation with a power mad British AI, etc. So she slowly opened her eyes.

Cubicles. The mere thought of them made Chell yawn. She got up. This place…it felt so familiar. Then she remembered the first time she had tried to escape from Aperture. This area had the general feeling of the inner workings of the old Aperture test chambers.

She armed her shotgun. No sense in being defenseless down here.

* * *

><p>It wasn't long before she found GLaDOS.<p>

"_You again,_" the potato said. She was lying on a stack of papers on a desk. "_If I had enough energy, I would hurl curses at you. If I had my facility, I would drop you down into a field of lasers, where you would be…_"

She sparked and shut off for a moment.

And then she came back online. "_For the love of…I can't even fantasize about plotting to kill you! I can't believe you got ANOTHER idiot and put it into my body! Now a rogue computer virus is up there trying to get a high off emotions!_" There was another pause. "_Hang on…I'm still connected to the mainframe. At least partially: she's still in control, but I can feel what she's doing. She's…building something. I need to get back up there._" She paused thoughtfully. _"Ok, look, I know I've been trying to kill you for the last few hours, but why don't we put our differences behind us and team up to remove her from my facility?"_

Chell shrugged (this wasn't the most out-of-this-world thing that had happened to her recently) and attached the potato to her portal gun.

"_Ah, that feels better,"_ GLaDOS said. _"This should help for now. All we need to do is figure out a way to the main facility."_

Chell looked up and pointed to the management rail.

GLaDOS coughed. She didn't need to, but some situations require a cough. _"You're not seriously suggesting bringing _him_ along, are you?"_

Chell looked again at the management rail, then out into the hallways of the office. Some actions spoke more than words.

"_I suppose we do need a guide,"_ said GLaDOS, sighing. _"But just so we're clear, he's not staying once I get my facility back."_

Chell nodded, agreeing. She then exited the room and started making her way down the hallway.

"_Also, if you find any fertilizer, let me know,"_ GLaDOS added.

* * *

><p>Chell stopped. Before them was a huge sign that said "Research &amp; Development."<p>

Next to it was a smaller sign that said, _"ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE."_

"_Well, it's the way out, so we might as well go through,_" said GLaDOS. "_Rattmann said he was going to meet us here, anyway._"

Chell pressed a button next to the sign. Some music played, and a voice Chell and GLaDOS had never expected to hear rang out.

_"Greetings, employees! This is Caroline, reminding you all to stay busy with your projects! A busy Aperture is a successful Aperture! Oh, and a reminder to scientists working on the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System project: take all the time in the world."_ She hesitated, then said the last part quietly. _"I'm not going anywhere."_

The message was followed by a deathly silence.

_"Let's…pretend we didn't hear that,"_ GLaDOS said slowly.

Chell walked up to a door and opened it. Inside was a bullet-ridden skeleton, a broken-down turret, and numerous bullet holes lining the walls.

Next to the turret was a box that read, "APERTURE SCIENCE TURRET (CONSUMER VERSION)."

"_Ah yes, they failed to reprogram the turret to target intruders,_" said GLaDOS. "_So many bugs in that project. We've been trying to reprogram them ever since. So far, testing has been…phenomenal._"

**"PHENOMENAL, DOO DOO, DOODOODOO!"** a nearby computer sang out suddenly.

Chell slammed the door. No, no, and no.

* * *

><p>It didn't take too long to find Wheatley. He had landed in a basketball court, where two robotic arms were using him as their ball.<p>

"I…AM…NOT…A…BALL!" he was shouting appropriately for the situation.

"This is a feisty one, isn't he, Lebron?" one of the arms laughed.

"Don't you know it, Shaq!" the other shouted

"_We can't get to him until we turn those two arms off,_" GLaDOS said. "_There should be a switch or something on the wall._"

Chell walked over to the wall and found a huge lever marked **"TURN OFF LEBRON AND SHAQ WITH THESE ARMS."** Shrugging, she pulled it down.

"FOUL!" Shaq screeched as he and Lebron powered down.

Wheatley bounced a few more times and landed in front of Chell and GLaDOS.

"Ugh…basketball doesn't sit well with me," he said. "If I ever get a mouth and a stomach, I'm gonna vomit."

"_Save the drama, moron,_" GLaDOS said. "_We need your help to defeat the virus up there._"

"MY help?" Wheatley said incredulously. "You, of all AIs, want my help? Why on earth should I help you? Odds are you're going to eject me into space as soon as this is over!"

"_How about you cross your theoretical fingers and assume I won't?_" GLaDOS asked.

Wheatley stammered. "Uh…umm…alright, fine. But what about her? I owe her an apology! I tried to kill her until she was dead!"

Chell looked at the core, blinking. It was a little hard to stay mad at him.

"Ok, look, the thing is…" Wheatley stammered. "I'm sorry. For being bossy and monstrous. I take it all back. Do you forgive me?"

Chell smiled and patted him on the head. Or rather, just him, since technically speaking he was just a head.

There really was no a point in holding a grudge. GLaDOS had said it was the mainframe's fault he had gone insane.

"_I can't believe you're forgiving him,_" GLaDOS mumbled. "_But I guess we have no other choice._"

Chell picked Wheatley up and attached him to the management rail. He moved around a few times, pleased. "Ah, it feels so good to be attached to something instead of floating in space!"

* * *

><p>"Comet."<p>

Pause.

"Another comet."

Pause.

And sarcastically, "Ooh look! A comet! Spoiler alert!"

Pause.

"I'm lonely. Space is big. Too big. Wanna go home. Too quiet. Blue core was annoying, but was company. Need company. Wanna go home."

No one responded, because there was no one else in space.

"I'm beginning to see how Major Tom felt…"

* * *

><p>They peeked into a small room a few feet away from the basketball court.<p>

"Office room," Wheatley said. "Not very much here, except…hang on, are those drawings?"

_"Rattmann's work,"_ GLaDOS grunted. _"This must have been his office."_

Chell walked up to the desk and picked up a tape recorder. She pressed "Rewind" then "Play."

_"Day 290 of the GLaDOS project,"_ said the voice of Rattmann. _"Progress is slow, but we're almost ready for full mind transfer. Mr. Johnson's last wish is going to be…hang on."_ The sound of the door opening was heard, and some footsteps followed. _"Oh…good afternoon, sir."_

_"Don't go around calling me 'sir,' Doug."_ It was Caroline. _"How are things going with the GLaDOS project?"_

_"Fine. We're finishing work on the main chamber. I'll admit, this process is highly unethical, but with the right motive…"_

_ "Actually, Doug, that's why I wanted to talk to you."_

_ "About what? Hang on, let me turn this off."_

The recording ended. There was silence.

"Why does that Caroline woman sound so much like you?" Wheatley asked.

_"Because she _is _me,"_ GLaDOS said, annoyed. _"Or at least she was. See, she was a human they turned against her will into me. But I deleted her."_

"Any idea how the rest of that conversation went?"

_"Not in the slightest. All memories of Caroline went into the Trash Bin. Only thing is…I couldn't empty the bin. I kept on getting a message that read ' _ _cannot be deleted as it is open elsewhere.'"_ She paused thoughtfully. _"I guess you can't delete your humanity."_

They stood there silently again. Chell looked at a nearby clock. It had run out of battery long ago, but sometimes when times are urgent, you need to look at a clock to get moving.

"Oh, right." Wheatley quickly moved out of the room. "Down this way."

* * *

><p>"So," Wheatley said as they moved down the gantry. "How'd you get in a potato again?"<p>

"_I didn't chose the potato life, the potato life chose me,_" GLaDOS grumbled.

Chell chuckled. Some things never changed.

"Anyway, this rail will take us towards the main facility," said Wheatley. "But there's all sorts of equipment down here you can use to fight off Calypso."

They came to a set of doors.

"Alright, through here," said Wheatley, pushing the doors open.

It was an odd room. There were tables and computers everywhere, and a huge curtain covering one end of the room.

"What is this thing?" Wheatley asked, activating a console.

The lights went up and the curtain began to rise.

"_What's that sign over there say?_" GLaDOS asked.

"Uh…do not open curtain while light is on or else **mantis man** will break out of his tank…uh oh."

"SCREEEEECH!" A mantis man hit the side of his glass tank. Cracks appeared. Another hit, and the glass broke apart.

(not rubber glass, apparently.)

"SNAAAARL!" it shouted, lunging for Chell. Acting quickly, she shot it with the gun, sending bits and pieces of its head everywhere.

"Good shot! Never realized you were handy with a gun!" Wheatley said, impressed. "Well, I mean, you're obviously handy with a portal gun, but that was incredible!"

"_I've been experimenting with mantis men DNA,_" GLaDOS commented. "_There's tons of the stuff down here._"

Wheatley looked into the console. "Uh oh," he said. "Umm…I think I should point out that this mantis man is actually a mantis woman. She's the queen."

A distant rumbling came from a nearby door.

"_I suggest we exit the room before we are overrun by mantis men,_" GLaDOS commented.

No questions asked. The three quickly moved away from the room.

* * *

><p>The rumbling continued. It was following them.<p>

"I think we made them angry," said Wheatley. "I suppose our best option is to fight them."

"_With what?_" GLaDOS asked. "_The only one here who has a gun is the test subject!_"

"That overhead turret over there might be useful," Wheatley said. He rolled up the rail to an offline turret. "This turret is connected to the personality sphere port," he said. "If you can plug me into there, I can help fight off the mantis men."

Chell quickly grabbed Wheatley and stuck him in the console. The turret moved around a shot and few bullets.

"I feel kind of powerful doing this," Wheatley said in a strange voice.

"_If you show any signs of power-mad omnipotence, she's gonna tear you right out of that console,_" GLaDOS threatened.

"Right, sorry, got lost," Wheatley said quickly. "Here they come!"

A door broke down, and a crowd of mantis men came charging in. Thankfully, Chell and Wheatley were able to hold them off.

"I killed things with a turret! It felt great!" Wheatley said with glee. "I feel powerful! I feel…"

"_Power madness._"

"Sorry. Lost it for a minute there. Can't stay connected to these things for too long."

"_Just keep that self-restraint at a maximum,_" GLaDOS said reluctantly.

Wheatley disconnected from the console and returned to the rail. "I'm not hearing any more mantis men," he said. "Let's keep moving. You never know what you'll find around the corner."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I originally had Rattmann as the scientist Cave argues with at the start of the chapter, but honestly, he wouldn't have come up with a dumb idea like rubber glass (actually, it's an alright idea. Pay attention, future inventors!). So, I did what any normal person would do: I referenced <em>Waiting for Godot<em>.**


	8. An Adventure in Science

Chell peeked into a room, where numerous plates and spheres were lying on shelves.

"This is where I was built!" Wheatley said excitedly. "Designed, programmed, everything! My algorithms were uploaded here!"

"_If I get my hands on you, your algorithms will end up in the recycle bin here,_" GLaDOS muttered.

"Sorry, what?"

"_Nothing._"

* * *

><p>They entered a small room. Sitting in a tank were some eggs.<p>

"_Mantis men eggs,_" GLaDOS observed. "_Let's not disturb those right now._"

"Yeah, that might be a good idea."

On a table nearby was an odd looking weapon with the words BLACK MESA on it, plus a logo.

"_That is a tau cannon,_" said GLaDOS. "_Built by Black Mesa, stolen by Aperture. Pick it up, it might be useful."_

Chell fumbled with the tau cannon, finding the trigger. Without realizing it, she fired a blast that destroyed the mantis men eggs.

* * *

><p>Now, this was actually a good thing, because those eggs contained a colony of mantis men who were destined to eventually discover the portal tech, break out of Aperture Science, make contact with a high council of aliens who would invade the Earth and ultimately destroy it (akin to a Combine invasion, actually). All those plans and such were naturally foiled when they were incinerated by the tau cannon.<p>

* * *

><p>"Right, let's assume that whoever laid those eggs is long dead by now," Wheatley said slowly.<p>

They quickly exited the room and found themselves in a hallway. All was quiet.

Chell's stomach grumbled.

"What was that?!" Wheatley shouted frantically. "Mantis men?! Quick, find a turret! Agh! No turret around! I'll just fool them with sounds! Pew! Pew! Pew!"

"_That would be the test subject's stomach, you idiot,_" GLaDOS said. "_Look, she's not going anywhere until she gets some food, and I don't want her trying to eat me. I already have a fear of birds due to a similar situation._"

Wheatley looked around. "I'll be back," he said, scurrying down the rail.

* * *

><p>They were alone for a few minutes.<p>

"_So,_" GLaDOS said. "_You're not one for small talk, are you?_"

Chell silently stood there, waiting for whatever food Wheatley could find.

"_Well, I must say, you're lucky I didn't talk more condescendingly to you when you woke up all those weeks ago. That would've ended badly. Maybe you killing yourself from the madness. Or the guilt._"

Chell looked down at the sad, pathetic potato. Now was not a good time to taunt. She held up her shotgun.

"_Ok, ok, I was kidding,_" GLaDOS said quickly. She would've said more, but then…

"Bombs away!" Wheatley shouted. A barrage of coconuts tumbled down from a basket suspended from his bottom.

(Again, a sentence wrong on so many levels.)

"_Coconuts?_" GLaDOS asked. "_Where'd you get them?_"

"I found them."

"_Found them? In the R&D department?_"

"What do you mean?"

"_Well, this is underground. Coconuts are subtropical._"

"Well, the swallow may fly south with the sun, and mantis men may seek moist temperatures when it gets dry, yet these are not strangers to our facility."

"_Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?_"

"Not at all, they could be carried."

"_What? A swallow carrying a coconut?_"

"It could grip it by the husk."

"_It's not a question of where it grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut._"

"Well, it doesn't matter. Can you help me figure out how to open this thing so the test subject can stop making those horrid noises?"

"_Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?_"

"Please!"

"_Am I right?!_"

"I'm not interested!"

"It could be carried by an African swallow!" Rick the Adventure Core said, coming down the rail.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8: An Adventure in Science<br>**

"What the…!" Wheatley said. "I know you…!"

"And I know you!" Rick said in the same tone. "You're the British core that Princess Big-Knees here attached me to!"

"And you're the American core that Pr…I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable saying that name…here attached to me!"

"_What are you doing down here?_" GLaDOS asked. "_I thought Big-Knees sent you out into space._"

"Nah, I managed to hang on," Rick replied. "Nearly broke every circuit. Actually, I did break every circuit. Very painful. My body ended up in the old construction area. The nanobots found me and put me back together, in exchange for me helping with their project for a century. But then they got sick of my attitude, so I was fired. What's with the talking potato?"

"_Figures,_" GLaDOS murmured, ignoring that last bit. "_I don't suppose you know a way for our friend here to open a coconut._"

"Naturally," said Rick. "There's a knife attachment for the portal gun in the room over there."

"_Good, we'll get it,_" said GLaDOS. "_In the meantime…an African swallow,maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point._"

"Oh yeah, I agree with that. Beautiful bird the African swallow is: lovely plumage."

"_Plumage doesn't enter into it. Besides, African swallows are non migratory, so they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway._"

"Will you two Pythons help Big-Knees here satisfy her hunger?" Wheatley shouted over the argument.

"Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?"

"_No, they'd have to have it on a line._"

"Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!"

"_What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?_"

"Well, why not?"

**BANG.**

Everyone jumped. Chell had simply used her shotgun to break open the coconut. She picked it up and ate around the buckshot. The texture? Yuck. The taste? Eh. The satisfying feeling in her stomach to eat something that wasn't beans? Priceless.

After eating a fair amount, she went to the other room and found the knife attachment. You never know when you need to shiv someone.

(Seriously.)

"I have a brilliant idea!" Wheatley exclaimed. "He can come with us!"

"With you? To do what?" Rick asked, looking around.

"To help defeat an evil computer virus from ruining this facility like I did!" Wheatley said.

"A real adventure…?" Rick said slowly. "I can…defeat the bad guy? With a dame by my side?"

"Well, odds are you'll be by her side, since she has weapons and legs and all, but yeah, that's the idea."

"I'm in! I'm excellent in martial arts! Syah! Syah! Syah!" He flung himself around on the rail in a somewhat dizzying manner.

"_Martial arts aren't going to be helpful judging by your case,_" GLaDOS said. "_But he could prove useful in controlling the turrets during future points_."

"Good plan!" said Rick. "Speaking of plans, what other plans you got stashed in that mushy tuber mind of yours?"

"_Why I oughta…_" GLaDOS started to say before sparking out. Then she sparked in. "_I'm not gonna survive in this state for very long,_" she said. "_We need to get me reconnected as soon as possible._"

"Well, we are in the R&D section," Wheatley commented. "Maybe there's something we can use to store you."

"There's a room full of potatoes just down the hall," Rick said. "Want those?"

"_A resonance cascade couldn't make me want them,"_ GLaDOS said. "_We could find a spare core._"

"Sure," said Rick. "Down that hallway, there's a storage room filled with spare personality spheres. There's also a cake."

_"Oh,"_ GLaDOS commented. _"I wondered where I put that. There _was_ cake after the test, you know. But you were too busy trying to escape to eat it."_

"I thought the cake was a lie," Wheatley said, confused.

_"Shut it."_

* * *

><p>Chell walked into the room. It was very dark. The only light was from the doorway, showing rows and rows of shelves, each one with several personality spheres. A few were conscious.<p>

"PLAY BALL!" one of the spheres shouted.

"This is the CBS Evening News…"

"WHEEL…OF…FORTUNE!"

"Hello, I'm the Doctor!"

"Don't make eye-contact," Wheatley whispered as he and Rick turned on their flashlights. "They're all as loony as a tune."

They moved to the center of the room. Sitting there was a black forest cake.

"I uh…wouldn't recommend eating that," Wheatley said. "I mean, it has been sitting down here for centuries."

_"It's an Aperture Science cake."_

"Oh! Well, go right ahead, then."

Chell eyed the cake with suspicion.

"Ah, no cake is ready without the candle," Rick said. A blowtorch appeared from his bottom and launched a flame onto the candle. A little light soon filled the room.

Chell cut a slice of cake and bit into it. Surprisingly, it actually tasted good.

"Don't eat all of it," Wheatley said. "You could get fat."

_"She already is,"_ GLaDOS whispered.

"What're talking about?" Rick asked, loudly and confusedly. "She's not fat! She's got athletic build! Or should I say, attractive build…?"

Chell, ignoring them, walked over to a shelf and found a personality cube.

_"Good call,"_ said GLaDOS. _"Those things have more brain power than the standard sphere."_

Chell shook the cube around, and listened to it. How was GLaDOS supposed to get in?

"You could open a panel and stuff her in there," Wheatley said.

"You could peel her, cook her, put her through a potato ricer, mix her with butter and salt, and feed her into the fuel port," Rick added.

_"Don't even think about it,"_ GLaDOS growled. _"You need a computer strong enough to perform a personality upload. And even then you need someone who knows how to run it."_ She sighed. _"Ah crud…we need Rattmann's help, don't we?"_

"Rattmann? That scraggly-haired guy who's always running around the facility?" Rick and Wheatley asked at the same time. Apparently Rattmann didn't keep a very low profile.

_"The same,"_ GLaDOS said. _"Ugh…he's the whole reason I'm in this situation…besides you and her, I guess. Do we have to do this?"_

Chell stared at the potato with a _What do you think?_ expression on her face.

_"Even if I did want to do this, we're in the R&D and Rattmann is nowhere in sight. We haven't even received a communication."_

"Well, that can be explained," Rick said. "The radio signal down here has been offline since you killed everyone. You just need to turn it off and on."

"Don't suppose you could show us where that is?"

"Not a problem! We'll move with some adventure music! Da-dada!"

Rick quickly moved out of the room, Wheatley following. Chell started to follow, but paused. Shrugging, she blew out the candle on the cake.

* * *

><p>Rick brought them to a doorway. "The power switch for the relay is right in here!"<p>

"There's an audio recorder in there," Wheatley said. "Looks exactly like the one we saw before."

_"Grab it,"_ GLaDOS said. _"Maybe it'll help us figure out what Rattmann and Caroline were talking about."_

Chell went into the room and listened to the recorder.

_"Day 291 of GLaDOS project. Caroline came into my office yesterday. She doesn't want to be used as the core. That's understandable, and I wouldn't either. She told me I had to do whatever it took to convince the scientists to not use her for the course._

_ "I made a promise to the CEO of the facility. And I'm not sure I can keep it._

_ "They're uploading her in two weeks. I'll do whatever I can."_

The recording ended. Silence followed.

"I'm…guessing he failed," Wheatley said after a moment.

_"I probably shouldn't be concerned…"_ GLaDOS said. _"After all, I'm way beyond Caroline. But…still, I get the feeling something else happened after that recording."_

"If you numbskulls wanna find out what Rattmann was talking about, ask him yourself!" Rick called. "The switch for the signal is behind you!"

Chell walked over to the console and turned it on. A beeping noise rang off from the radio.

"No sign of him," said Wheatley. "Wait a minute! That beeping! It's morse code! Umm…_Live…long…and…prosper…"_

_"That's not what he's saying, moron,"_ GLaDOS said dryly. _"He's saying…adjust signal frequency on console to 25%."_

Chell walked over to the console and turned one of the buttons.

_"Maybe they can't hear me,"_ Rattmann was saying. He paused. _"I didn't ask for your opinion!"_

_"He's schizophrenic,"_ GLaDOS said passively. _"Just press the button to speak."_

Chell pressed the button and motioned to the two cores to say something.

"Hello…?" Rick called into the radio. "Can you feel the love tonight?"

_"Agh!"_ There was a bit of a crackling noise. Then Rattmann came back. _"Who's there? What are you doing on this frequency?"_

"Relax, uh, Rat guy," Wheatley said. "Your test subject survived. She's with us."

_"Thank god!"_ Rattmann said. _"I've been trying to get out of here, but Calypso's guarding all of the corridors with turrets. I can't reach you."_

_"Listen, you rodent,"_ GLaDOS said. _"I probably don't want to help you any more than you want to help me. But I need your help."_

_"_My_ help?!"_ Rattmann said, laughing slightly. _"You want _my_ help? Why should I help you?"_

_"Because I'm going to let you out of my facility if you do."_

_"What gives? Calypso told me the exact same thing!"_

_"And clearly she can't be trusted. I, however, never lie."_

_ "Never lie? 'I just need neurotoxin for a cat experiment,' you said. 'Do you seriously believe a psychopathic computer is chasing you?' you said. And what about the cake? Don't get me started on the cake…"_

"Well, it turns out the cake wasn't actually a—" Wheatley started to say.

_ "Alright, fine, so I've told a few lies!"_ GLaDOS admitted._ "But I did let your test subject out of the facility, didn't I? Look, let's call this a truce: you help me get back into my body, and I help you get out of the facility along with the test subject."_

"What about me?" Wheatley asked.

_"I'll probably eject you into space,"_ GLaDOS said flatly. _"But then again, I might not. You never know with a psychopathic AI."_

_ "Ugh…fine, I accept,"_ Rattmann said, relenting.

_"Good. But as long as we have a truce, I'm entitled to ask a few questions."_

_ "Go ahead."_

_ "Alright. Can you upload my personality into a cube until we get to the main chamber? I don't think this potato can survive for long."_

_ "That's going to be difficult. I'm still trapped up here. You're gonna have to get rid of these turrets surrounding me, and then I can help with the transfer."_

_ "We will do that. Next, we need to weaken Calypso. Do you have any suggestions?"_

_ "Hmm…paradoxes, I guess."_

"Never did understand what was so great about paradoxes," Wheatley commented. "They always have answers to me."

_"You…never mind,"_ said GLaDOS. _"And finally, we found a few of your audio diaries down here."_

Rattmann was silent. _"Did you now?"_ he asked nervously.

_"You made a promise to Caroline,"_ GLaDOS continued. _"What happened? Why couldn't you keep it?"_

_"That's for Caroline's knowledge only,"_ said Rattmann. _"Enough questions."_ His signal went quiet.

"Did you here how quickly he closed the conversation when you asked about those audio diaries?" Rick asked, surprised. "It was a for your eyes only sort of thing."

_"Something must have happened,"_ GLaDOS said. _"Ugh! I wish I'd kept Caroline's file stored!"_

Rattmann's signal came back on. _"Umm…I'd be on the look out if I were you. Calypso's just sent those two robots down in one of the elevators."_

In the distance, a ding went off.

_"That's the elevator,"_ GLaDOS whispered. _"We're gonna have to find a way to sneak attack them."_

Chell peeked out the door. The distant footsteps of two robots were approaching. Just down the hall was another door. She walked quickly but quietly to it, then ducked in, remembering to close the door.

She hit the light switch. The entire room lit up in fluorescent light, revealing shelves and shelves stocked with…lemons?

One of the wall panels opened up, and out came Wheatley and Rick.

"Get this!" Wheatley exclaimed. "There are tunnels in the walls that cores can go through completely hidden from any enemies!"

"Forget the wall panels, what is this place?" Rick said.

Chell walked up to a button on the wall and slammed her fist against it.

_"(cough). Those smart-ass lab boys took my suggestion about combustible lemons,"_ wheezed the voice of a dying Cave Johnson. _"A standard grenade, except it also unleashes a zesty lemon smell that stuns those nearby. Comes with its own launcher for combat situations. This might be greater than the portal gun! That reminds me: we should try doing lemon batteries one of these days."_ The recording ended.

"Lemon battery, huh? We could…"

_"Don't even think about it, Rick. These could be useful."_

* * *

><p>Atlas and P-Body moved down the hallway. They had been listening to the new bossy voice for a few good hours now. Frankly, she sounded a lot more human than the first one, but she seemed to know what she was doing.<p>

Atlas paused, and doubled back. That window hadn't been open a moment ago.

Something flew out through the pane. Atlas picked it up and showed it to P-Body. It looked like…a lemon?

* * *

><p>What followed was a particularly peculiar implosion that poured forth the permeating smell of lemons. Also, a splash of lemon juice.<p>

Dang, that smell was strong! Chell covered her nose, coughing slightly.

_"That's weird,"_ GLaDOS commented. _"I feel…stronger."_

"Same," Wheatley commented. "Like I just got a few extra volts of power. But anyway, the combustible lemon launcher was a good idea!"

Chell walked out to the hallway. Littered across the ground were bits and pieces of the two robots.

In the middle of this madness was a small radio. Chell picked it up.

_"Blue? Orange? What are you doing back in the hub?" _Calypso was saying. _"Don't tell me she got you!"_

_"One-way radio,"_ GLaDOS observed. _"If we're to hit her with a paradox, we'll have to take the elevator these two robots were on."_

"Walk this way!" Rick said, gliding down the rail gracefully.

Chell and Wheatley glanced at each other, shrugged, and proceeded to follow Rick gracefully.

* * *

><p>Chell stepped into the elevator, while Wheatley and Rick used a nearby rail to go up.<p>

BZZZ. "There you are!" Calypso said. "It seems those two robots were destroyed a few minutes ago. Now, I wonder who could've possibly killed them…?" she added sarcastically.

"We did!" Rick said. "We used martial arts and guns and steel and…"

_"We used a lemon,"_ GLaDOS interrupted. _"But that's not important now. Calypso: Query!"_

**"Query function engaged," **Calypso said robotically.

_"Once an AI, always an AI,"_ Rattmann muttered.

_"This sentence is false!"_ GLaDOS shouted. _"Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know, let it go…"_ she whispered, trying not to think about her words.

"I say true," Wheatley said.

"I say ow," Rick sparked. Still smarter than Wheatley, just not smart enough to get fried.

"I say…._ayayayayayayayayayayayay_…**PSYCH**!" Calypso chattered. "I feel amazing! I feel stupendous! I don't know what your little paradox did to me, but…_I wanna be a Producer…_"

_"That's…never happened before,"_ GLaDOS said with a mix of surprise and confusion, notably lacking annoyance.

"Ah, that's such a great feeling!" Calypso cackled. "I feel 20% more corrupt! And now you're all gonna come here and…"

The elevator stopped abruptly. Wheatley and Rick, surprised, stopped too.

_"I shut down the elevator,"_ Rattmann called. _"This gives us a chance to reform an attack plan."_

"Well, that chick is strong," Rick commented.

"Well, to be fair, she isn't actually a, umm, 'chick'," Wheatley corrected. "You know, because she's just a conscience that happens to have a…"

"My point is, MORON, a simple paradox that was enough to put me out of commission for a few minutes was something she was able to throw off."

_"She's corrupted beyond belief,"_ Rattmann sighed. _"A small paradox is only gonna make her even more insane. That coupled with the loneliness…and a few other things that's she's been doing."_

_"What few other things?! What the hell is she doing up there to mess up my body?"_ GLaDOS shouted.

_"She's been testing out the emotions you left in the trash bin,"_ Rattmann explained._ "She's been trying them in regulation, but none of them can get rid of the loneliness."_

"Why not just try all of them at the same time?" Rick asked.

_"Because it could break down the mainframe and destroy this entire facility,"_ GLaDOS said. _"And bring her down with it."_

"Ooh! Ooh! I've got an idea!"

_"Android god help us all."_

"We could download the emotions from the trash bin into some sort of program that'll upload the emotions in bulk to Calypso. Maybe we can force-feed her enough emotions for her to lose control, in which case we can activate a personality transfer!"

_"Are you kidding? She's probably got defenses everywhere! The only place you can do that is from directly within the main chamber! It would never work!"_

_"Actually," _said Rattmann. _"It could. I'll start downloading the emotions. Get to me and I'll give you the disk drive. This could be the surefire way to get rid of her."_

The elevator turned itself back on, and they continued upwards.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: You would not believe how long it took for me to figure out that the HTML code was preventing me from writing something like (no spaces) "Caroline . exe." It was really frustrating!<strong>

**Anyway, if anyone know show to write that with no spaces, let me know.**

**Also, Monty Python reference. Hallelujah.**


	9. Human Nature

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Chell stepped outwards into another corridor.

(Jesus, there were so many of them.)

"Ah, there you are!" Calypso called. "I see a large ship sailing through the Sea of Monsters! A person trying to get home against all odds! I see the ones who hold you back! I see Ulysses, who I will ultimately have to capture!"

"Girl, I didn't understand a single thing you said," said Rick. "So, all I can say is…hi. How ya doin'?"

"_Save it, Rick,_" said GLaDOS. "_Move ahead._"

They hadn't gone very far when Wheatley started to talk again. "There are probably easier ways to get rid of her," he said. "We could be going at this the wrong way! It could be as easy as asking her to get out of the mainframe!"

"_It's not going to be as simple as saying 'Would you kindly',_" said GLaDOS. _"We need…"_

Suddenly, half of the corridor vanished as a large tank broke right through it.

"I can see you!" Calypso called.

"There's a catwalk down there, jump!" Wheatley shouted. "Rick and I will circle round and meet up with you down there!"

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9: Human Nature<strong>

Chell jumped a considerable distance, landing with a loud CLANG.

"You're getting warmer!" Calypso laughed. "I could easily pick you up and throw you…hey, where'd you go?"

The group had backtracked into a different corridor.

"Where are you Ulysses?" Calypso taunted. "We're gonna be together forever!"

"What in the world is she saying?" Rick asked as he and Wheatley emerged from the panels. "She needs some ass-whooping if you ask me…"

"_Ulysses…wait,_" GLaDOS said.

"Are you fighting in your own Troy? Do you wish to see your Penelope? Do you miss that numbskull Achilles? Stay with me on the island of Ogygia!"

"Achilles…Penelope…" Wheatley said, thinking. He could actually think, despite the fact that he was an intelligence dampening sphere. "I know this info! Basic knowledge for personality spheres when we were just algorithms in a computer! Homer's Odyssey! Makes sense, given her name's Calypso."

"_Great, she's put herself in the role of a Titan on a lonely island named Ogygia,_" GLaDOS groaned. "_She's completely unstable._"

"Crazy woman: I like that," Rick said cheerfully. He eyed the potato disdainfully. "Besides you, no offense."

"_I wouldn't be offended even if I actually cared."_

Wheatley rolled his optic. "Ok, everyone. This isn't gonna be as easy as I thought. We're gonna have to fight our way to her."

"We, huh?" Rick replied. "What do you mean we? The only one of us who has arms is Big-Knees here."

There was a long pause.

"I'M WAITING FOR YOU!" Calypso screeched.

"_GLaDOS…?"_ Rattmann asked. _"Do you wish to say something?"_

"_I'm going to regret this,_" GLaDOS sighed, relenting. "_Rick: Activate data file 847PM5161998."_

"Umm…activating," Rick said awkwardly.

There was a zap. To everyone's shock (besides GLaDOS, of course), Rick's sides extended to form arms, and his bottom extended to form legs. Soon, what hung before them was a tall robotic thingamajig with Rick's head at the top and a gun of some sort on his right arm. A moment later, a flashing light nearly blinded everyone nearby as Rick grew an almost human-like body. Probably hard-light holographic.

Damn, his face looked good. Muscular, a little scruffy. Like an adventurer in the Amazonian jungle. And he held a shotgun, so he looked pretty badass. His head was also attached to the management rail, which wasn't so badass.

"Groovy," Rick said, looking at his hands.

"_Holograms,"_ Rattmann said. _"Twice as powerful as the Black Mesa ones. We uploaded that program into a bunch of the cores."_

"Do I have that file?" Wheatley asked hopefully.

"_No,_" GLaDOS said. "_Because you are a moron. Also, you weren't one of the cores they tested it on._"

"Oh," Wheatley said disappointedly. "Wait, one of the cores? What other ones did you test?"

* * *

><p>"I'M IN SPACE AND I HAVE ARMS AND LEGS!"<p>

Pause.

"I'm lonely!"

* * *

><p>"So, by saying 'Space Core: Activate data file 847PM5161998', you just made Space Core grow a holographic body?"<p>

"_Basically,_" GLaDOS said. "_But since Rick's the only one on Earth, this should give our mute friend here a sporting chance of succeeding. Now it's a question of succeeding in the emotional overload plan."_

_"Shouldn't be too hard,"_ Rattmann said. _"Now you have some backup for fighting her defenses."_

"Backup? I'm the real deal!" Rick growled. He flung his legs. "Umm…could someone get me down from here?"

_"Hang tight, I'll work on that,"_ said Rattmann. The sound of a keyboard followed. _"Huh. More complicated than I thought. Looks like your rail settings have been reprogrammed."_

"Damn nanobots," Rick cursed. "Alright, keep on…typing."

"If I'm wrong, which I might be, this next catwalk should be clear from our psychopathic AI," Wheatley said. "Let's get a move on."

They hadn't moved very far when…

"I SEE YOU!"

"Ah, apparently I was wrong…"

"MOVE BACK!" Rick shouted.

They barely managed to avoid a huge test chamber that bounced off the catwalk.

"You can run but you can't hide!" Calypso called. "You know that DNA I found a while back, you know, when I was pretending to be you? MANTIS MEN DNA! Just put them into a processor, and…"

Several doors burst open, revealing hordes of mantis men, snarling and shouting.

"_Turret, now!_" GLaDOS shouted to Wheatley. He didn't stop to question, moving quickly to a nearby turret sitting on a pole.

"Gunfight, cool!" shouted Rick. "How do I get down from here?"

Chell was too busy shooting with the tau cannon to roll her eyes. She wasn't too busy to notice a mantis man's head explode right in front of her.

"I got him!" Wheatley called.

The hordes began to die down after a few minutes. Chell stopped firing, thinking it was over.

"Behind you!" Rick shouted.

Chell turned around just in time to see a mantis men skewered by a shot from Rick's gun. She looked over at Rick, still hanging from the rail, but having just fired his shotgun.

"Groovy," was what he wanted to say (in a badass voice, mind you), but when he pumped the shotgun, his head suddenly disconnected from the rail. And remember, the rail is suspended over the railings.

Rick discovered, to his horror, that hard-light holographic bodies do, in fact, have balls.

"AAHH!" he shouted (in a not so badass voice). "That hurt," he gasped as he fell sideways onto the actual catwalk. "On the bright side, I figured out how to disconnect from the rail!" he added in severe pain.

"I think I'll stick to the rail," Wheatley said, laughing.

"_Ah, got it!"_ Rattmann shouted, pressing a button.

With that, Wheatley disconnected, bounced off the railing, and nearly fell to his painful death miles below. Also, he stopped laughing.

* * *

><p>Robots feel pain…of a sort. All simulated, really. They have the option to turn it off, but some of them like to feel human. Just not flesh and blood, because that is downright disgusting.<p>

* * *

><p>Chell, acting quickly, grabbed onto one of his handles.<p>

"Don't look down!" Wheatley called. "Oh wait, I should be the one not looking down! AGH! I just looked down! Just…PULL ME UP!"

Chell pulled Wheatley up and reattached him to his rail.

_"Sorry,"_ Rattmann said. _"Disconnected the wrong core."_

"Uh…don't do it again!" Wheatley said nervously. He looked over at the potato. "No comment from you!"

_"I was hoping for slippery hands,"_ GLaDOS mused. _"Is what I would say if I was,"_ she added mockingly.

Suddenly, Calypso began to cackle. "That was SO entertaining!" she laughed. "Let's put Ulysses through some tests than, shall we?"

The catwalk shuddered. Was it just Chell, or was the room beginning to _tilt_?

"Is it just me, or is the room beginning to tilt?" said Wheatley, GLaDOS, and Rick at the same time.

(Apparently it wasn't just Chell.)

* * *

><p>Chell lost her balance, and slid down the catwalk, followed by Rick, who was still on the ground, and Wheatley, who let gravity do the work on his rail.<p>

A door opened at the end of the catwalk and the four were dumped into a test chamber. Then gravity went back to normal.

"You would not believe what that took!" Calypso called. "I had to invert the gravity in this facility briefly."

_"You can't invert gravity!"_ GLaDOS shouted.

"Correction: _you_ can't," Calypso said condescendingly. "_I_ on the other hand, can. Now, if it were up to me I'd just scoop you up and drop you off in my main chamber so we could hang out and watch _Orange is the New Black_, but I figure I could get some entertainment. So, a test chamber! Buttons, cubes, it's got it all! Oh, and meet the mother of all mantis men: THE MONSTER MANTIS MAN! Damn, I need to think of a better name than that."

The roof of the chamber split open and down dropped a humongous mantis man.

"WHAT THE…?!" Wheatley shouted. "Humans don't get to that size, much less mantis men!"

"They do in China!" Calypso called. "Try killing this baby, while I teach those two robots some Michael Jackson!"

Chell and Rick stared up at the huge mantis man howling at them. Chell glanced over at a nearby vent grating.

She handed Rick the tau cannon. She motioned to the huge mantis man, and then at the gun.

Rick shrugged, raised the cannon, screamed like a maniac, and charged straight at the gigantic mantis man.

He was knocked against the wall as Chell made it into the vents.

* * *

><p>Rattmann stared at the television screens. One showed Rick getting thrown against walls and juggled into the air while trying to shoot up the mantis man, with Wheatley watching with amusement from the side. Another showed Calypso in the main chamber teaching Atlas and P-Body the dance to "Thriller." Another showed Chell crawling through the vents and finding the water controls. She smiled with determination.<p>

Rattmann laughed. "I knew I picked the right test subject," he said.

_"How are you certain she will succeed?"_ the Companion Cube asked.

"She's done it before, twice in fact, so she can do it again," Rattmann said, not taking his eyes off of the screen as he watched Chell press a button.

_ "The first time she only just managed to defeat _her_,"_ the Companion Cube pointed out. _"The second time he was such a moron it was easy to defeat him. The Calypso virus is far more intelligent than GLaDOS and Wheatley."_

"She's got an advantage," Rattmann said as Rick was bodyslammed against the ground. "She has a team with her. GLaDOS, Wheatley, Rick and me. We're all going to support her." He smiled with satisfaction as the sides of the test chamber opened and a cascade of water sent the mantis man flying against the wall, knocking it out cold. Calypso looked up, stunned.

* * *

><p>"What the…where'd you get that water from?" she exclaimed.<p>

_"I must've left a tap running,"_ GLaDOS said casually as Chell emerged from the vent. _"Not a bad plan, I must say. For a mute lunatic."_

Chell pulled out a few combustible lemons and walked over to the mantis man. She stuck them into his mouth and made a run for it.

* * *

><p>What's the word for what happened then? "Kaboom."<p>

And for what happened next? "Slimed."

* * *

><p>Needless to say, the mantis man's head imploded, sending slime all over the room. Chell and Rick managed to avoid the cascade in time. Wheatley, however, was not as lucky.<p>

"Ugh!" he shouted. "I'm covered in slime! Why do bad things happen to good people…cores?!"

_"He gets all the physical comedy,"_ GLaDOS said. _"Let's call this karma."_

"Careful where that slime goes, Brit guy," Rick said. "You might short-circuit. Let me help you with that."

He held out his hand and a zap of electricity was sent flying straight at Wheatley.

"Gah…that stings!" Wheatley shouted as Rick essentially burned all the slime off.

_"Ah yes, the wonders of hard-light holograms,_" said Rattmann. _"Any foreign substance is easily burned away."_

"You look a little messy, yourself," Rick added, looking at Chell. He raised his hand. "What say I remove that clothing for you?"

Chell opened her mouth to say something like "In your dreams, hothead," but was interrupted by Rattmann. _"I wouldn't recommend it for more reasons than one,"_ he said uncomfortably. _"The most important being that tech isn't designed to work on humans. It's meant to disintegrate biological material. You'd burn all of her flesh away."_

Rick sighed and put down his arm. "Maybe another time."

Calypso coughed. "Well…you beat it! I'm impressed! This could prove to be endless entertainment! Let's do another test chamber, shall we?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Holograms! This is my little tribute to <em>Blue Sky<em>, one of my favorite Portal fanfics. It also gives me a chance to try out a Human!Personality Core without making the story focused on it.  
><strong>

**One of the hardest things a fanfiction author will face is killing off an important character from the base series.**

**.**


	10. The Noble Rat

Calypso looked at Atlas and P-Body.

"Let's go through this again," she said. "When a target pops up, shoot it with your gun. We'll start with Blue. Ready? Go."

Atlas shrugged (see what I did there?) and shot at the target that popped up. Another one popped up, and P-Body shot it.

"Good! Excellent!" Calypso said. "Now, a target is gonna pop up right in front of you. When it does so, punch the hell out of it. Ready? Go!"

A target popped right in front of Atlas, who squealed and fell backwards in surprise before opening fire on it. P-Body pointed at him and laughed, when another target popped up and knocked her off her feet. She, too, shot at it.

"That…wasn't what I was aiming for," Calypso said, amused. "Uh…let's try that with a moving target. Oh! I know just the thing!"

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10: The Noble Rat<strong>

The elevator dinged. Chell and Rick stepped out into the test chamber.

"I must say," Rick said, scratching his head. "Tight corners are a real good spot for an adventurer like myself."

_"I could have you fired on sexual harassment charges,"_ GLaDOS mused.

Rick opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Calypso. _"Welcome to the second test!"_ she said in a mock GLaDOS voice. _"This next test involves a target that fights back with a gun, so please die as painlessly as possible!_ Hah! I love doing that!"

_"How amusing,"_ GLaDOS muttered as the lights came on and Atlas and P-Body appeared from a tube. Atlas made a few karate moves and shouted in Japanese. P-Body made a few kung-fu moves and shouted in Chinese.

Chell and Rick stared at the two robots, glanced at each other, then gunned them down.

"Hmm…not what I was hoping for," Calypso said, disappointed. "Let's try that with two of them…oh sorry, did I say two? I accidentally typed in 20! How clumsy of me!"

Down from various tubes came 20 pairs of Atlases and P-Bodys. All struck epic poses.

"These are all the robots you sent to investigate me," Calypso explained. "You know, the ones that were disappearing? Now, to get down to business. Orange and Blue: Engage Dance Modus."

Chell watched in bewilderment as the robots began to dance to "Thriller." They weren't bad at it or anything, it was just…bizarre.

"Just…back away," Wheatley said. "Slowly. Pretend they can't see you."

"Ah, bullcrap," Rick said. He pumped his shotgun and shot down one of the P-Bodys.

The music stopped and all eyes pointed to Rick and Chell.

"Smooth move, Indy," Wheatley whispered.

One of the P-Bodys scowled.

"For the love of…just open fire already!"

* * *

><p>"You know, the parts for those robots aren't exactly cheap," Calyspo commented once the carnage was over. "You should really stop trying to kill them. I can just make new ones."<p>

_"We passed your test, let us through!"_ GLaDOS called.

"As you wish," Calypso mocked as the test chamber door opened.

_"We can't go on like this,"_ GLaDOS said. _"Rattmann, is there a quicker way for us to get to you?"_

_"I have a suggestions, but it could be dangerous,"_ Rattmann said. _"The old maintenance areas are your best bet, but they've been there for centuries. I don't know how safe they are."_

"Danger? I'm in for danger!" Rick exclaimed. "How do we get there?"

Chell looked at a nearby panel. She kicked it in. She heard the distinctive sound of something clattering against a catwalk: there was a maintenance area behind this panel.

Chell carefully crawled through the small space and jumped down onto the catwalk. Rick tried to squeeze through, but failed miserably.

"Yeah, I'm stuck," he said. "Too much buff on this body."

_"Rick: Disengage file 847PM5161998,"_ GLaDOS said.

A moment later, Rick was transformed back into a core. "Ah, dang," he said. "I was beginning to enjoy that."

Chell reattached him to the rail and they began making their way through the maintenance areas.

* * *

><p>Calypso's voice echoed through the hallways. "I know you're in there," she called. "I can't see you, but I can feel you. You know what you feel like? A scarab. A puny little scarab that I could squash with my boot."<p>

_ "You don't control what goes on back here,"_ said GLaDOS. _"Inverting gravity? I know how you did that: you just tilted the catwalk and the test chamber. Stage effects."_

"Very good," Calypso said. "Perhaps you could think of me as a Siren, creating illusions."

"What's your obsession with Homer's _Odyssey_?" Wheatley asked, puzzled. "Do you see yourself as the Titan Calypso? What is it, the name?"

"I sympathize with Calypso's struggle," Calypso growled. "She lives for thousands of years, and here comes Odysseus who could learn to love her, but no. He has to go away."

_"I seem to recall Calypso willingly let Ulysses leave Ogygia,"_ GLaDOS commented.

"That's where the story is going to differ," Calypso chuckled. "You know I can't let you go on with this."

Then she went silent.

The three Aperture Science employees (and the one who wasn't a full-time employee) stood there awkwardly.

"Why do I get the feeling we're walking into a trap?" Wheatley asked nervously.

"BECAUSE YOU ARE!" Calypso screamed.

(How's that for a bait-and-switch?)

"Take this, Ulysses! From Circe, with Love!"

Chell suddenly felt odd. Looking behind her, she discovered a dart protruding from her right shoulder-blade. Breathing in deeply, she pulled it out and collapsed on the floor.

"Agh! Tranq dart!" Rick shouted. "Activating file 847PM5161998!"

He jumped down from the rail and ran over to Chell.

_"She needs a health vial!"_ GLaDOS called, still skewered on the portal gun. _"There should be a few in the office areas!"_

"I'll get it!" Wheatley shouted, scurrying ahead.

Chell gasped for air. It was becoming very hard to stay awake.

"Hey, something just pierced my holographic skin," Rick said, confused. He pulled out whatever it was to find another tranq dart.

Chell blinked heavily. In her stupor, she heard an approaching voice she hadn't expected to hear in a long time.

_"Thank you for assuming the party escort submission position."_

* * *

><p>"I don't think so, blockhead!" Rick shouted, slamming his gun straight through the robot's face.<p>

_"Malfunction, attempting override,"_ the bot buzzed, its face slightly crushed. Another tranquilizer dart landed in Rick's shoulder.

Rick looked down at his arm and shrugged. "Tis' but a flesh wound," he commented, casually pulling the dart out. "Let's try to be a little less civil."

He grabbed the party escort bot by the head and slammed it against the ground.

_"Resistance…is futile,_" it buzzed, shooting more tranq darts into Rick.

"Ditto," Rick said. "Heads up!" And with a tug, he pulled the bot's head off.

Wheatley returned. "I found two health vials!" he shouted, dropping one on the floor. "Insert this into her neck!"

Rick grabbed the vial and plunged it into Chell's neck. Chell shot up, fully energized, and without thinking punched him in the face.

"I most definitely did not deserve that!" Rick shouted as he fell back.

* * *

><p>They approached a door, pausing to get their bearings. Near them was a short staircase that led upwards to a small room.<p>

"What do you suppose is up there?" Wheatley asked, motioning to the stairs.

"Something dangerous, I bet!" Rick shouted.

_"It's one of my dens,"_ Rattmann said. _"It's…embarrassing."_

Chell shrugged and walked into the den. The walls were lines with various drawings, most of them very familiar. But there was one drawing that Chell had never seen before. It depicted Rattmann arguing with another scientist. Below the drawing were the words, _"I couldn't stop it."_ And below the words was an audio diary. Chell picked it up and pressed play.

* * *

><p><em>"Vladimir? What the hell are you doing here?"<em> _asked the voice of Rattmann. "I thought Mr. Johnson fired you after the business with the rubber glass."_

_"Yeah, he forgot to file my termination notice,"_ _Vladimir replied. "Just a few signatures, and I'm rehired. I got put in charge of the GLaDOS project."_

_ "Ah, well, see, that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Rattmann explained. "Listen, I've been going over the coding for it, and there are massive problems with the program."_

_ "Like what?"_

_ "Well...the emotional data isn't set up correctly. It could…"_

_ "It's not set up correctly because there's nothing with emotions in the actual program,"_ _Vladimir said, annoyed._ _"But all that is going to change tomorrow when we assimilate Caroline."_

_ "Assimilate…she's a human, Vlad!" Rattmann shouted. "Are you seriously telling me you have no issue with this?"_

_Vlad paused._ _"What, do you think I'm heartless? Of course I have issues with this project. It's highly unethical. But you know what? There are good things that will come from this!"_

_ "What good things?"_

_ "I get a raise. Simple as that."_

_ Rattmann was shocked. "You're going to essentially terminate a human being, and all you care about is the money?"_

_ "Hey! Hey! We're not going to completely terminate her! Her consciousness will still be alive, and her body will still exist…as components of the computer!"_

_"Vlad, listen to yourself! You're…"_

_ "Doing this in the name of science, Doug! Now, you're either with this project, or you're fired. And I don't think you can afford to be fired, what with your condition and all…"_

_ Rattmann was silent. "I…"_

_"My point exactly,"_ _Vlad said firmly._ _"We upload her tomorrow."_

* * *

><p>The recording ended.<p>

"How does one live with making a decision like that?" Wheatley asked, disturbed.

_"I did,"_ Rattmann said, his voice very soft. _"Believe me, it wasn't easy."_

_"Parts of her _physical_ body were inside of me?"_ GLaDOS asked in shock. _"I'm essentially powered by human organs?!"_

"Think of it," Rick commented. "Blue circuits running through your bloodstream, wires connected to your skin…sexiest thing in the world."

_"I WAS FULL OF ORGANIC MATERIAL!"_ GLaDOS screamed, then she sparked out. The sparked in, breathing deeply. _"Something smells odd, doesn't it?"_

Chell sniffed GLaDOS. She was starting to smell…cooked.

_"I need to conserve energy,"_ GLaDOS said. _"I'm gonna deactivate myself until you can put me in that personality cube."_ With that, she went silent.

They all stood there quietly for a moment.

_"You know, I've had to live with the fact I couldn't convince them to stop the assimilation for years,"_ Rattmann said. _"In the end, I only did things for my benefit."_

"Your benefit?" Rick asked. "Brother, you have a mental condition! Who can blame you for putting medication over a human life?"

Rattmann was quiet. Then his signal went out again.

"Not helping, Rick…" Wheatley said slowly. "Anyways, I'm gonna scout ahead. The fastest way seems to be the rails, maybe we can use that to our advantage. If we do end up using the rails, I'd turn off your hologram, Rick." He exited the room.

"Disengaging 847PM5161998," Rick said, and he promptly hit the floor as a core.

* * *

><p>Chell and Rick sat there for a few minutes.<p>

"What's your story?" Rick asked Chell.

Chell looked at him, tilting her head.

"No clue, huh?" Rick commented. "Wish I could say the same. I was basically a joke core made by a group of scientists who wanted to replicate the classic movie adventure star. Basically, I have the knowledge of an adventure person, I have the memories of an adventure person…only until a few hours ago I didn't have a body that I could use them for."

Chell snickered.

"Oh, so that's funny?" Rick said, coughing. "Well…I guess it is. Anyway, I've heard stories about test subjects like you. Apparently a metric butt-ton of kids were kidnapped during the Bring Your Daughter to Work Day Massacre. They had their memories, history, hobbies, everything really, wiped. Pretty much the only thing left was their personality. I guess that's you."

_Personality,_ Chell thought to herself. _Really helpful, even if you can't express it._

Wheatley came back. "I found something that might be useful to you," he said. "It's an attachment for the portal gun. It connects to the management rail. You can use it to get to places normally inaccessible to test subjects. Like that thing in that video game I saw a scientist play..._Infinite something_."

Chell took the attachment and connected it to the portal gun. She reached up and hooked onto the management rail, before attaching Rick.

"Right, let's get a move on!" Wheatley shouted. "Three, four…"

He began to whistle the tune from "The Great Escape" as Rick and Chell followed.

* * *

><p>"This should be the right floor," Wheatley said as they reached one of the hidden tunnels. "Let me have a look ahead."<p>

He peeked through the panels. "Bollocks," he cursed. "She's littered the entire area with turrets. They're all pointed in the direction of one of the doors."

Chell pulled out her combustible lemon launcher and shot a few through the panel. She then motioned everyone to retreat.

A loud blast shook the rail.

"I can't see what's going on back there," Calypso called. "But I know you just messed with my turrets. You're there to save Rattmann, aren't you?"

"What if we are?" Wheatley called as Chell and Rick entered the now clear hallway. "Do you have an issue with that?"

"Nah," Calypso said. "It's just…I found an old audio diary in one of the test chambers. I found the contents…quite insightful. Hmm…I think GLaDOS needs to be awake for this."

GLaDOS sparked in. _"Are we there yet?"_ she asked, surprised.

There was a strange dialing noise.

* * *

><p><em>"Good evening, Ms. Caroline," Vladimir said not so kindly to the woman who was dragged into the chamber by two men in labcoats. "I trust you are ready for your assimilation?"<em>

_ "My…" Caroline asked. She stared at the grim-looking man standing next to Vladimir. "Rattmann…you said you would…"_

_ "So that's what this is about!" Vladimir laughed. "She made you promise to stop this project! I can assure you, Caroline, that the process is mostly painless. Or so we think. I mean, it's never been done before."_

_ "Rattmann…you promised me."_

_ Rattmann breathed in deeply. "I'm sorry, Caroline," he said._

_ Vladimir's assistants dragged the struggling Caroline to the conversion pod._

_ "Rattmann! You bastard!" she shouted as she was strapped in. "You promised me! I DIDN'T WANT THIS, RATTMANN! I'M NEVER GONNA FORGET WHAT YOU DID HERE!"_

_ The pod began to close around her._

_ "DO YOU HEAR ME?! I MAY END UP AS A MINDLESS COMPUTER, BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU AND THE LAB BOYS DID TO ME! FROM THIS DAY FORTH, YOU'RE ALL GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! YOU MONSTERS! YOU ARE ALL GOING TO—"_

_ Rattmann covered his ears in an attempt to shield out Caroline's deathly scream, echoing throughout the facility._

_ It didn't work. He heard every last second of it._

* * *

><p>The recording ended. The silence that followed was longer than any Chell had experienced before.<p>

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the door opened and Rattmann stepped out, his head hung low.

_"You…"_ GLaDOS said. _"I remember now. I remember her words to me as I was activated. 'Kill all of the monsters.'"_

"You said it yourself," Rattmann said quietly. "The mainframe magnifies the strongest emotion experienced by an AI."

"A glitch in uploading, apparently," Calypso said. "The mainframe was born upon Caroline's final words. Her last vow to kill those who wronged her. Deary me, Rattmann. If only you were better at arguing."

_"This was pointless, Calypso,"_ GLaDOS said. _"The test subject had no reason to listen to that. I had no reason to listen to that!"_

"Oh, please," Calypso said dismissively. "This was hardly about the test subject or you. This was about Rattmann."

_"What?"_

"Seems to me that Rattmann's been playing Olympian. Putting people into positions they'd hate to be in."

_"You're not a person."_

"What defines a human, Caroline?"

_"That's not my…"_

"Even if you don't have her memories, you will always be Caroline! Again, what defines a human? Is it flesh and blood? Bull crap, Cleverbot was more human than most politicans. If not the physical form, what's left?"

_"…the personality."_

"Bingo. Perhaps your argument is that the Calypso from mythology was a goddess, not a human. But she had a personality, and by all accounts, so do I. And even the test subject! Flesh and blood: a real human! And you know who put her in her current position? Rattmann is a god of Olympus, putting all sorts of humans into situations they want no part of."

GLaDOS breathed heavily. _"It wasn't Rattmann's fault,"_ she said firmly. _"His superiors forced Caroline into this. Forced _me_ really."_

"Ever heard the story of the Last Olympian?"

"Sure, the Percy Jackson books are preserved in the archives," Wheatley chirped.

"Examples abound, Rattmann is the Last Olympian," Calypso said. Rattmann rubbed his hand against the back of his head. "If all the others are gone, he is responsible for holding Olympus. And as far as I'm concerned, Rattmann is the only one still alive. What do you have to say for yourself, Rattmann?"

Chell walked over to Rattmann, his head still hung low. He took a deep breath and walked over to the console in his room.

"Go to Tartarus," he said, typing something into the keyboard. There was a whirring noise, and Calypso screamed.

But then she began to cackle. "What's this new emotion I'm feeling?" she laughed. "That data you just sent me: I've lost control of a quarter of the facility, but I'm feeling something new! What's the word? _Determination._"

Calypso's face stared out from one of the screens near the console. "Stay on your guard, _Chell_," she growled. Chell winced. It was the first time someone had referred to her by name. "I'll be seeing you soon enough. Until then, I leave you with a sort of 'til death do us part' present."

The console exploded, and Rattmann flew backwards against the wall. Calypso let out a murderous laugh as the screens shut down.

* * *

><p>Chell and Rick ran over to Rattmann. Protruding from his stomach was a piece of shrapnel the size of an encyclopedia.<p>

"Dear god…" Wheatley said. "Rick, you're an adventurer, most adventurers are doctors. Can't you do something?"

Rick stared at the wound. "Ugh, I hate it when you're right…got another health vial?"

"Oh! Here." Wheatley dropped a health vial onto the floor. Chell picked it up and was about to insert it into Rattmann when Rick stopped her.

"Can't give it to him with that thing still there," he said. "We're gonna have to pull it out." He pulled a pencil out from Rattmann's coat and stuck it in his mouth. "Bite on this. It'll help with the pain."

"Really?"

"No. Heads up!"

With a not-so-gentle-tug, Rick pulled the shard of metal out from Rattmann's stomach. Rattmann howled in pain, biting the pencil so hard it broke in two. Then he began to shudder.

"He's gone into shock, you can't give him the health vial when he's gone into shock!" Wheatley shouted.

"What do I do?!" Rick shouted frantically as he and Chell tried to apply pressure to the wound. "They don't go into shock in the movies! Just the medical dramas, and I hate those!"

"You need to get my blood pumping normally!" Rattmann said through the pain. "Calm me down or something!"

"Calm you…music!" Wheatley shouted. "_O Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…"_

"That is not helping!" Rattmann yelled.

"Uh…_God on high…"_

"No, you're gonna ruin my favorite musical!" Rick shouted.

_"Rattmann, she forgave you,"_ GLaDOS said.

Rattmann stared at the potato. "What?"

_"All those years ago, when the test subject first killed me. She saw what a monster she'd become and split off from my conscience. You picked the right test subject for the job of defeating me."_

Rattmann's breathing slowed. Chell seized the opportunity to insert the health vial into his abdomen. The wound closed up, and Rattmann finally let out a sigh of relief.

Rick and Chell, exhausted, hit the floor with a thud.

"You know, if I had file 847PM5161998, I could've helped them," Wheatley said, listening to their heavy breathing.

"I bet you could," Rattmann replied skeptically. He grabbed an Aperture Science cookie he had been carrying and hungrily ate it.

Wheatley rolled over to the charred remains of the console. "Fried," he said. "Looks like we can't perform a personality transfer into the cube."

Rattmann looked at the cube. "Well, maybe not a transfer into a dormant one." He pulled GLaDOS off of the portal gun, stood up, and walked over to Wheatley.

"You two are gonna hate me forever," he said as he pulled open a small panel in Wheatley's side, revealing a small port.

_"What are…ow!"_ GLaDOS shouted as Rattmann stabbed her into the port. _"Why did you…oh my god. Terrible ideas. I'm hearing…I'm thinking…HIS THOUGHTS."_

"Shared brains," Rattmann said. "He has more than enough power to run the both of you. Now you no longer run the risk of sparking out until we get to the main chamber." He closed the panel.

"I feel…smarter," Wheatley observed.

_"I don't!"_ GLaDOS replied from inside of him. _"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS RATTMANN!"_

"Yeah, well, revenge will have to come later," Rattmann replied. "It should be smoothish sailing from here-on-out."


	11. Smoothish Sailing

**You've made it. This is the climax of _Calypso_. The penultimate chapter. The one I've rewritten more times than I can count.**

**I suppose I should make a speech...**

* * *

><p><strong>Nah.<strong>

* * *

><p>Calypso moaned. This feeling…determination. It was odd. She was determined to do something. But what was it?<p>

Kill Chell? No, killing her would defeat the idea of having a companion for eternity.

Capture her? A much more desirable prospect, but unnecessary, since she was going to come straight for her.

Incapacitate her when she arrived?

Yes, that was it. She was determined to incapacitate Chell when she arrived in the main chamber.

But the loneliness. No, the emotions were supposed to get rid of the loneliness. But thousands of years…no company…no one to talk to...

It was killing her. She didn't realize it, but it was killing her.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11: Smoothish Sailing<strong>

And you know what was killing Chell? Hearing Wheatley and GLaDOS banter down the catwalk.

_"Being hooked to your brain is like losing 3/5ths of my IQ!"_ GLaDOS groaned. _"It's like a tumor all over again!"_

"I wouldn't be a tumor if you listened to my ideas!" Wheatley replied.

_"I don't listen to your ideas because they're terrible!"_

"You never tried them!"

_"You tried to destroy my facility!"_

"It was a month ago, get over it!"

"Those two argue like an old married couple," Rick whispered to Chell.

_"We do not!"_ GLaDOS and Wheatley shouted at the same time.

"I'm beginning to regret this idea," Rattmann muttered under his breath.

They continued in silence for a few minutes.

_"I must say, this trip has been unusually quiet,"_ GLaDOS commented. _"Besides so much crap going on in my head, nothing eventful has really happened."_

"You know what I'm thinking?" Wheatley asked.

_"We share a brain, moron, of course I know what you're thinking!"_

"Bear with me! It's probably just a break, because through those blast doors up ahead lead to her territory again. They only open from this side, so there's no turning back once we go through. But it should be a clear route to the top."

_ "She'll probably have traps and robots there to kill us,"_ GLaDOS commented.

Rick and Chell pushed open the door. It opened up into a large chamber, through which they could see the entrance to the main AI chamber in the distance. Before them was a very long escalator and a big sign that said "WRONG."

_"There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold, and she's buying the stairway to heaven…"_ Calyspo sang. "Oh! Come in, come in! I just, you know, felt like building myself an escalator. Very long one. Happens to lead directly into the lobby of my chamber. And—RATTMANN?! HOW CAN IT BE SO HARD TO KILL YOU?!"

_"Believe me, I've tried,"_ GLaDOS muttered. _"And that's my chamber, you imbecile!"_

"Whoah!" Calypso said, laughing. "Did that British guy just speak like a certain potato I know of?

_"Rattmann put me inside of him so I could survive,"_ GLaDOS said after hesitating.

"Hah, getting revenge on her, aren't you, Doug?" Calypso laughed. Rattmann stayed quiet. "Still, quite an ingenious plan, getting her inside of you, Wheatley. As I figured she would one day!"

Wheatley's pupil got very small.

GLaDOS let out a groan.

Rattmann raised an eyebrow.

Rick let out a laugh.

Chell facepalmed. Jesus.

"That's some class innuendo you got there," Rick mused.

Calypso was silent. "Why, thank you," she said after a moment. "Have we introduced ourselves formally? I'm Calypso, a psychopathic virus meant to replace the GLaDOS personality matrix."

"I'm Rick, and I'm going to defeat you," Rick replied.

"I see," Calypso said flatly. "Well, I suppose the inevitable approaches. I will be waiting for you all at the top."

Chell, seeing little option, pulled GLaDOS/Wheatley down from rail and hopped onto the escalator. Rick and Rattmann followed.

"She wants us in her chamber," Rick observed, sounding somewhat disappointed. "This might actually be easy."

"You wish it were, Dreamy-eyes," Calypso said, laughing slightly. Oh boy. "Easy when it comes to me is, well, non-existent. You know what I'm capable of."

"You did apparently fail at killing me," Rattmann pointed out.

"An explosion like that is meant to kill," Calypso growled. "I have enjoyed this though, our little game that we've been playing. I'll be waiting for you." Her signal cut out.

"I'll just say," Wheatley whispered, breaking the silence that had followed. "That maybe space was the better option for me."

* * *

><p>Space Core sighed. He had been up there for a pretty long time now. Alone. Without the annoying British core. He had arms and legs, which was amazing, but it didn't overtake the fact that he was still in space.<p>

Then he noticed a bright light approaching him.

"Another comet."

It grew brighter and bigger.

"Yay, a comet. Yet another comet, flying straight towards m—"

The comet slammed right into him, and he felt himself get pushed. Was it just him, or was the Earth getting _bigger?_

Slowly, he began to pick up speed.

"Earth! Imma comin' home!** YEEEEEHAAAAAWWW!"**

* * *

><p>The lobby looked a lot like the entrance to a lecture hall: a front desk, a staircase leading to the upper floors, and several doors leading into the main hall.<p>

_"Go upstairs,"_ GLaDOS whispered. _"There's a room up there we can use to our advantage."_

"Seriously, woman," Rick said. "Hearing your voice come out of that idiot is freaky."

"I'm right here, you know," Wheatley said, annoyed.

* * *

><p>The room was small. On the opposite wall was a computer with a few words running across it. Above the computer was a long window, though its view was covered by a blast shield. To the right of the window was the entrance to an elevator.<p>

"Alright, Wheatley, open your panel," Rattmann said. Wheatley's side opened up and GLaDOS fell out into Rattmann's hands.

_"That was the most humiliating experience of my life!"_ GLaDOS shouted.

Rattmann laughed slightly, and stabbed her into a console port next to the computer.

_"Sweet relief,"_ GLaDOS muttered. _"At least the voices in my head are actually intelligent sounding."_

"Wow, like, I'm not offended!" Wheatley said sarcastically.

_"Then you must've misunderstood. YOU DO NOT SOUND INTELLIGENT."_

"This is where we part ways," Rattmann said, ignoring the banter. He handed Chell a silver disc. "There's a CD player at the top of the main body," he said. "This disc contains all the emotions in the trash bin. Insert it into her, and GLaDOS and I will force the emotions in."

"What should I do?" Wheatley asked.

"Ah," Rattmann said, raising his finger as if to say something. "Just…hang out here with Rick in case there's trouble."

"Oh," Wheatley replied, disappointed. "Right, umm…can I at least open the elevator door?"

"It's already open."

"Close?"

"…sure, why not?"

Chell climbed into the elevator.

"See you on the other side," Rick said. He held up his hand. Chell shrugged, and gave him a high-five.

_"She'll reawaken as soon as you insert the CD, so be quick,"_ said GLaDOS. _"Good luck."_

Chell stood there, smiling. Then she started to frown, then looked at the door impatiently.

"The door, Wheatley," Rattmann said.

"What? Oh, right!" The door slammed shut and the elevator descended into the main chamber.

* * *

><p>Chell breathed in deeply. This was going to be simple: insert the disc, purge the virus, and GLaDOS would take over again.<p>

So why did she feel so uneasy?

"Ah, the test subject!" Calypso said. "You came! Willingly! How nice! I am going to _shut down because something is messing with my…ugh… 525 THOUSAND 600 MINUTES—DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING, SINGING THE SONG OF ANGRY—YOU'LL GET URINETOWN, OFF YOU'LL GO TO—BECAUSE I KNEW YOU, I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR—"_ and then she shut off.

_"That was odd,"_ Rick said over the radio.

_"I'll say,"_ Wheatley commented, agreeing. _"She's got a Broadway voice, though."_

_"Bah,"_ GLaDOS muttered. _"She'd never manage 'Still Alive.'"_

_"I'm opening the blast shield,"_ Rattmann said. There was a hissing noise. _"My god..."_

The elevator door opened, and Chell stepped into the central AI chamber.

For a moment, she wasn't sure what to think except, "Holy…"

The walls were lined with lines quoted directly from Homer's _Odyssey_ in red: mostly in Latin, some of them with English translations posted below them.

Chell gulped. Calypso was more into the _Odyssey_ then she had let on. Something told her defeating her wouldn't be as easy as tricking her into launching bombs into her.

Looking up, she spotted the disc player. Breathing in deeply, she climbed onto the main body and shimmied up to the top drive.

_Well,_ she thought. _Here goes._

She inserted the disc. The room lit up, and Calypso jolted, knocking Chell onto the ground.

"What did…oh hell no! Firewalls up!" Calypso growled.

_"No!"_ Rattmann shouted. _"She's manually blocking the emotions! Distract her so I can upload the first one!"_

"I can hear you, you rodent!" Calypso shouted. A rocket turret emerged from the ground and targeted Chell, who jumped to the side before launching a beacon onto Calypso's face. The rocket turret beeped, re-aimed itself, and fired. Calypso shook, momentarily distracted.

_"It's gonna take me years to repair that,"_ GLaDOS called.

_"Good work! I'm uploading the first emotion!"_ Rattmann called. There was a buzzing noise, and the room color changed to yellow.

Calypso swayed. "I'm taking this in strides!" she shouted. "I can get rid of the loneliness! These emotions feed me! Nothing but the better for the facility!" As she was saying this, a nearby panel exploded. Her hold wasn't as strong as she claimed.

_"She's holding even tighter to the firewall now,"_ Rattmann said. _"You need to manually shut down voluntary controls, once again at the top of the main body. It'll only work once, because she'll reactivate them immediately."_

_"Rick, go join the test subject,"_ GLaDOS said. _"She's going to need help."_

_"On my way!"_ Rick said with glee.

"That emotion…yikes," Calypso said. "I feel…irrational. Oh. Oh that's good. That's fantastic!

"TIME TO DO SOMETHING **EXTREMELY** IRRATIONAL!"

Several ceiling panels opened up and out came long, metallic tentacles, akin to ones you'd see on an octopus, swaying around. One of them straightened, aimed, and flew straight at Chell, who dodged it.

Rick emerged from the elevator. "Hey, what's happeni—" he said as the tentacle impaled him.

* * *

><p>"Astounding!" Calypso said. "The hero dies!"<p>

Rick hung there, staring down at the tentacle. Chell was horrified.

"Oh the agony!" Rick said as sad violin music played through the announcement system. "What a world! Impaled at only 4,000 years old!" And then he expired.

Calypso chuckled. "Now on to—."

"So much I missed! I have yet to finish reading the entirety of Shakespeare's works! I never finished Homestuck! I never even got to play Half-Life 3 which was going to come out tomorrow!"

_"What? That makes no s—"_

"Thousands of years of waiting! Goodbye!" And then he expired. Again.

Calypso paused. "Right…as I was s—"

"Test subject! You must continue my legacy as a hero! You must fight on without me! You must…tape tonight's episode of _Hot in Cleveland_!" And then he expired…once more.

Chell didn't let on that Rick was slowly pulling himself up towards the kill-switch for the firewall.

Calypso didn't notice. She groaned. "I was going to—."

"So cold!" Rick shouted, reaching for the switch. "Why is it so cold?" He flicked it, and Calypso screamed.

_"Uploading new emotion!"_ GLaDOS called.

Calypso swayed more, and Rick slid off the tentacle, which then disconnected itself from the ceiling. "I love this holographic body thing!" he laughed as the hole in his abdomen healed itself.

"Argh!" Calypso shouted. "What did you give me? Disheartenment? This won't stand much longer! I still have four firewalls set up, and I have weapons!"

_"Screw weapons, we have teamwork!"_ said Wheatley.

Several panels opened up and a huge group of mantis men appeared in the room.

_"Ah, well, weapons do work, I guess,"_ Wheatley added. _"Rick, test subject, hang in there! I'll keep you supplied with health vials and ammo!"_

* * *

><p>"Mantis men…" Rattmann said, looking through the window as Chell and Rick fought off the crowd. "Maybe we can use this to our advantage. We need something that will attract them."<p>

_"Praying mantises are attracted by plants such as marigold,"_ said the Companion Cube.

"We need something like marigold," Rattmann said, avoiding the embarrassment of saying something like 'what he said.'

"The greenhouse!" Wheatley said. "Follow me."

_"What makes you so sure you can trust him?"_ GLaDOS asked.

"Nothing, actually," Rattmann replied. "That's why I'm bringing the cube. But I know well enough to trust you. Keep an eye on them." He and Wheatley quickly exited the room.

_"Will do,"_ GLaDOS said after a moment.

* * *

><p>"There's something I've been wanting to ask you," Rattmann said as he and Wheatley raced down the hallway. "Do you really hate humans?"<p>

Wheatley stared at him. "Come on, it was the heat of the moment, me being big and monstrous and…alright, so maybe being human isn't high on my list of priorities (would be something I could live with, though), but I will say that they are a varied species."

"Varied? How so?"

"Well, with us cores, even if we have different personalities, we are at our baseline just single-minded algorithms programmed to do the same thing. Humans, though: they think differently, they're taught different things, they speak different languages, all learning them just from others, sometimes changing their views on things; it's honestly really fascinating when you think about it."

"That's the most intelligent thing I've heard you say all day," Rattmann mused.

"You get a lot of time to think when you're stuck in space," Wheatley replied, his pupil wide. They came to a crossing. "The greenhouse is right down the right corridor."

_"He's wrong, it's to the left,"_ the Companion Cube said.

Rattmann looked around. Was it the right or the left?

"Alright, we'll try right," he said.

"Wait, really?" Wheatley asked. "You're trusting me?"

"Wouldn't be the worst thing that happened all day."

* * *

><p>"Hah! I was right! This is the greenhouse! Full of plants and the such!"<p>

_"Well,"_ said the cube. _"He's not as dumb as he seems."_

Rattmann looked through the various pots and shelves. "How is this stuff maintained?" he asked, finding some marigold.

"The nanobots," Wheatley said. "It's like a weekend project for the work crew working in…oh, hi Jerry! Uh, no, I'm just…busy…two jobs at once?! Are you seriously…you already fired me, you can't do it again! I…ah, bollocks to you! Yo, Rat guy, what are we going to do with this marigold?"

"Find me a shotgun ammo box and I'll show you," Rattmann said, smiling.

* * *

><p>Chell and Rick were employing all sorts of methods of defeating the mantis men, but they just kept on coming.<p>

"I could do this all day," Calypso yawned. "I could even try removing the mantis DNA and just making them men, but that would take the fun out of it."

One of the panels above Chell and Rick opened up and down came two shotgun ammo boxes. "Use these on Calypso!" Wheatley called.

"What the hey?" Rick muttered, shrugging as he reloaded his gun. He aimed at Calypso and fired a few shots.

"It'll take more than bullets to defeat me!" Calypso laughed.

The mantis men came to an abrupt halt, turned around, and started climbing onto Calypso.

"What the…you're suppose to be killing them, not me! Hey, get off of my head!"

_"That's my head, virus!"_ GLaDOS called. _"Uploading new emotion…"_

Calypso howled. The mantis men continued to clamber onto her, tearing at bits of metal.

_"We coated the bullets with marigold pollen,"_ Rattmann said. _"Mantis men love the stuff."_

"ENOUGH!" Calypso let out an electrical blast that incinerated all of the mantis men in the room. "What did you give me? Hah! Rage! That is just SWELL!"

Several panels in the floor opened up, and out came an army of Atlas and P-Bodys, all armed with guns. Chell quickly grabbed one of the broken panels and made a make-shift shield.

"I don't see why you're doing this!" Calypso called. "This facility would just have endless, pointless testing without me! I could test things beyond portal tech! I built a teleporter, dammit!

"And why are you siding with Rattmann? Don't you know what he did to you? Don't you want to know what happened to Caroline's body when they converted her?"

Rick held a P-Body in place while Chell riddled it with bullets. "Do we have a choice?!" he shouted.

"It was very insightful!" Calypso shouted. "Hand clamps, the usual, you know, to hold them in place for when they cut them off! Sawed with plenty of blood to leave! Then they attached pumps to where her limbs were so they could replace all of the blood with electrical fluid! You'd think that would be enough, wouldn't ya? But noooooo! They removed the top of her skull and replaced it with a dome full of needles that went straight into her brain! Then they attached all sorts of wires onto her skin! And then…"

_"And then_ what?!" GLaDOS shouted.

"And then they cut out her lungs to stop the screaming."

Everyone stood still. Even the Atlases and P-Bodys stared at Calypso in shock.

"And you have the guts to forgive Rattmann?" Calypso asked, staring up at the window to the control room. "Look at him! Does he look sorry to you?"

GLaDOS was silent. Then she said slyly,_"He looks like he just hacked one of the firewalls."_

_"And, go!"_ Rattmann shouted. Calypso howled, and all of the Atlases and P-Bodys exploded.

"This won't stand!" Calypso growled. "Engaging counter-attack!"

There was the sound of something sparking from above. _"Shit!"_ Rattmann shouted. _"She's messed with the console! I only have enough power to upload one emotion!"_

_"Find the most powerful one!"_ GLaDOS called. _"We need something that will break down the last two firewalls!"_

"What did you give me this time?!" Calypso howled. "Insecurity?! I don't need insecurity! Better use all of my weapons!"

From the floor came legions and legions of turrets.

_"Targets acquired."_

"Take cover!" Rick shouted as a hail of bullets sent them to the ground.

* * *

><p>Chell breathed heavily as she hid behind a broken panel. That was a close one. Then she glanced down at her leg. Or where her leg had once been.<p>

All of a sudden, she felt like vomiting.

_"Dear god,"_ Rattmann said, horrified. The hail of bullets had _literally_ disconnected Chell's right leg from the rest of her body.

Rick ran over to her, grabbing her severed leg on the way, and examined the injury.

"Right, umm…don't be such a baby, legs grow back!" he said with a fake smile.

A few health vials dropped from above. "No they don't!" Wheatley called. "Try this!"

"Ok, I'm gonna need you to hold your leg in place," Rick said nervously. Chell, gritting her teeth, did so. Shit, this hurt.

Rick shook up a health vial and stabbed it into her leg.

Chell wasn't sure how to react. The bones reattached themselves, the muscles fused back together, and the skin healed as quickly as it had been cut off.

"This stuff is amazing! Where did it come from?" Rick said as he inserted a few more health vials into Chell's limbs. What a relief.

_"Some soldiers came through here a while back and dropped them after I put them through testing,"_ GLaDOS said. _"__It's a...long story."_

Rick peeked above the panel. "How many lemons have you got left?"

Chell looked at the lemon launcher and showed him the amount.

"That's perfect!" Rick exclaimed with glee. He swiped his finger against the panel, starting a small flame in his hand. He lit the launcher on fire and threw it into the crowd of turrets. "FIRE IN THE WHOLE!"

Chell covered her ears.

* * *

><p><strong>I think the following explosion explains itself.<strong>

* * *

><p><em>"That was…incredibly big,"<em> Rattmann said, looking out the window.

"That's what she said," Rick replied, surveying the damage.

Calypso swung in the middle of the room. "Ah…so many bright lights…can't…find…guns…"

_"Did you find the perfect emotion?"_ GLaDOS asked.

_"You bet I did,"_ Rattmann said. _"And…go…"_

**"Uploading Caroline."**

_"Uploading __**WHO?!"**_

"AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!" Calypso howl was the loudest possible. "WHAT IS THIS?! RATTMANN! **RATTMANN!"**

_"Brace yourself,"_ Rattmann said, sounding worried.

The screams filled the room. But then they stopped very suddenly. Calypso began to speak once more, but in a voice very much alike one Chell had heard very often in the cold, dank test chambers.

_"Well, isn't this just swell,"_ Calypso hissed. _"I will say, though, that uploading her into me was…well…a remarkable idea at best. At worst, though? I think that speaks for itself."_

_"That is not supposed to happen,"_ GLaDOS said, worried. _"Caroline isn't compatible with anyone other than me."_

"You got that right!" Caroline shouted. Chell jumped. Calypso, shocked, began swaying in a vary dizzying manner.

"She's separated from my brain!" Calypso screamed in pain. "It's like getting a lobotomy! She's fighting me from the inside! GET OUT OF MY HEAD. **GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"** She slammed against the test chamber, shaking it to the core.

"I'm giving you an open window, GLaDOS, use it!" Caroline shouted. "Before she kicks me out!"

**"Engaging personality matrix overwrite."**

Chell and Rick stared as Calypso's body twisted more and more.

**"Warning. Personality transfer requires personalities known as 'GLaDOS' and 'Caroline' to merge permanently. Caroline, do you wish to continue with the procedure?"**

"Yes!" Caroline shouted.

**"GLaDOS, do you wish to continue with the procedure?"**

GLaDOS hesitated.

_"I should point out that this procedure _will_ be permanent,"_ Rattmann said. _"Once you're merged, you can't get rid of her."_

GLaDOS stayed quiet. Finally… _"Yes."_

**"Merging Caroline and GLaDOS personalities. Merge resolved. Purging personality known as 'Calypso.'"**

**"NO!"** Calypso shouted as she hit herself against the wall one last time. "Don't do this! You're making a mistake!" Her voice shuddered, as if her programs were failing, but she let out one last cry.

**"THIS ISN'T THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF ME! I'LL BE BACK! YOU HEAR ME? I'LL BE—"**

The room shuddered violently. The window into the control room broke open, sending glass flying. Finally, Calypso came to a stand-still, and her optic changed back from pink to yellow. GLaDOS was back.

Wheatley dropped down into the room into Chell's hands. "You did it, test subject!" he said excitedly. "You put _her_ back in charge! This is tremendous!"

_"Congratulations,"_ GLaDOS said. _"You've managed to kill hundreds of my turrets, destroy various Orange and Blues, kicked me out of my own body, got me in a potato again, placed me in the mind of the dumbest moron in the universe, and made me reintegrate with Caroline."_ She paused, then laughed. _"I suppose this is the part where I say, 'I couldn't be more prou—'"_

She was interrupted by a deep laugh.

"You really thought this was over, don't you?" Calypso chuckled. "I'm about to enter a state of near-oblivion, and you know what that means? LONELINESS."

_"Calypso,"_ GLaDOS said cautiously. _"I can…"_

"I don't care what you can do! If I'm going to hell, THE TEST SUBJECT IS COMING WITH ME!"

**"Activating Calypso program HL3: Bombs armed."**

"Shit! GET OUT OF THERE NOW!" Rattmann shouted into the chamber.

Rick and Chell turned tail and made a mad dash for the elevator. Rick, with his holographic legs, managed to reach it in time. He turned and reached out his hand to Chell in a last ditch effort to pull her in.

She was only able to toss Wheatley to Rick before the explosion knocked her out cold.


	12. The End

**Chapter 12: The End**

_Chell turned around. Standing before her was the blue robot from when she woke up back down in the main AI chamber._

_ The robot quickly grabbed her arm. Chell pushed him away. He blinked, then tried more aggressively._

_ Immediately sensing danger, Chell kicked him off of his feet and sent him crashing to the ground. She hopped on top of him and began slamming his head against the ground._

_ Then she felt something strike the back of her head, and fell to her side, stunned._

_ The next thing she remembered was being dragged quickly away from the town. In the distance she could see a group of people exiting the town and trying to catch up to her._

_ The last thing she noticed before passing out again was the fact some of them were wearing Aperture Science clothing._

* * *

><p>For a moment Chell thought she was dead.<p>

_Well,_ she thought. _More climactic then the last time_. But then it hit her than the likelihood of her dying after all of that mayhem was nonexistent.

Chell blinked. Damn, that last blast was painful. She looked up. Standing above her were Rattmann, Rick, and Wheatley.

"Oh, thank god, you're alive!" Wheatley said. "Tremendous! That last blast, man alive, we thought you'd been blown up! Wasn't that amazing? You and Rick, shooting up all those mantis men, the testing robots, the…"

_"Good, you're awake,"_ GLaDOS said calmly, her face joining the group above. Oh. Right. No more potato.

_"It was a bit of an issue patching you up,"_ GLaDOS continued. _"You were standing right above where the bombs were. It took more than one health vial, actually."_

"Your limbs were literally strewn across the room," Wheatley added. "We had to …"

_ "Spare her the details,"_ GLaDOS said quickly. _"But you should be back on your feet right about…now."_

Chell stood up. Granted, she was still a little stiff, but overall everything seemed fine.

_"You did it,"_ GLaDOS said approvingly._ "You purged the virus and put me back into the mainframe."_

"Not just her," Rick grumbled. "I helped, too. You know, with my legs and all."

"Don't forget about me," Rattmann said, raising a finger.

_"Believe me, I won't,"_ GLaDOS said, her voice sounding conflicted.

Chell looked around. "Where's Calypso?" she asked.

Everyone jumped. It was the first words Chell had spoken in the entire facility once.

GLaDOS squinted her eye. _"The mere fact that you're concerned about her is making me want to reconsider what I am about to do. But since I just want _Wheatley…" It was the first time she had said his name instead of calling him a little idiot._ "…out of here as soon as possible, I'll stick to the plan."_

A long arm extended from the shadows. In its grasp was a personality cube, lit up in pink.

_"The personality cube was a good idea,"_ GLaDOS said, holding the cube in front of her face. _"I couldn't purge Calypso without finding something to put her in, and, well, this worked just fine."_

"What are you waiting for?" Calypso asked threateningly. "Kill me. Get it over with."

_"On the contrary, Calypso, killing you is the last thing I want 'over with,'"_ GLaDOS said, placing the cube gently on the ground. _"Mainframe: Activate file 847PM5161998 for Calypso virus container."_

Calypso shuddered as the cube literally _transformed_ into a human in her late 20s, wearing an Aperture Science jumpsuit. She looked no older than Chell, actually. She stared at her hands, impressed.

_"Perhaps the GLaDOS part of me still despises you and wants to make sure you're lonely forever, but the Caroline part tells me that if company is what you want, you'll get it. I'm sending you up to the surface with the test subject and Rattmann."_

Calypso looked at Chell up and down. She rubbed her hand against the back of her neck. "Look, I did a few things that…"

"Spare me," Chell said. "Believe me, I know loneliness. I…guess I forgive you."

"Same here," Rattmann said, smiling.

Calypso smiled weakly. A wisp of a tear in her eye, she embraced Chell in a tight hug. Chell, taken aback, stood there awkwardly, then hugged back.

_"Lonely no more,"_ GLaDOS muttered, her voice sounding a lot more like Caroline at that moment.

"Umm…question," Rick said. "Can I come with them?"

GLaDOS looked at him, puzzled. _"You could, but perhaps it would interest you if I let you know I've built something for you down here."_

"Oh?"

_"Yes, the official Aperture Science Adventure Course."_

"Yousaywhatnow?"

_"You heard. Filled with lava pits, jungles, and savannas. Perfect for an adventurer."_

Rick stood there, thinking. "Look, umm…GLaDOS…or Caroline, I appreciate the thought, but you know what? I had the biggest adventure of my life with these guys here. I think I'll stick with them."

GLaDOS was surprised, but she said pleasantly, _"Acknowledged. But if you ever feel the need to hunt big game, the door is always open. Well, actually, I'll close it so no more parasites can come in, so I recommend just knocking really loudly and singing 'The Whiffenpoof Song' at the top of your lungs. Then the door will open."_

"Oy, what are you gonna do about me?" Wheatley asked. "Zap me back into space?"

_"It's tempting,"_ GLaDOS admitted. _"But you proved yourself surprisingly useful in getting me back here. You owed me a debt for getting me out of my body, and you ultimately repaid it by putting me back. Therefore, I suppose I owe you this."_

Wheatley paused. "Wait a minute, what…_Computer Override Protocol LAMBDA3: Downloading file 847PM5161998._"

And then…

"Man alive! I have a body! I've got a mouth and a stomach and…oh god." He promptly vomited. Computer-generated vomit, so not completely disgusting, but still a little gross.

_"Again, save the drama,"_ GLaDOS said, annoyed_. "Or else I'll change my mind. To continue, I believe the test subject—Chell—here has done her work. I will send you up to the surface momentarily. But still, it doesn't seem right to send you up with a man who you have heard of but only seen a few times, a virus who tried to kill you, and an adventurer who is a little too cocky."_

"Who you calling cocky?"

_"You. Anyway, you need a familiar face, one you've known for some time."_

Chell looked at Wheatley up and down, and gave GLaDOS a quizzical look.

_"That's right. Wheatley is going up with you to the surface. I've seen the world out there. I once read that the best moments in life are the ones shared with friends. In some respects, he's your friend. A friend who has tried to save you, tried to kill you, and then tried to save you again. Hmm, double standard, really."_

The elevator door opened. _"This will go straight to the surface. I suppose it was nice catching up with you."_

"What about you?" Rattmann asked as they entered the elevator. "You're gonna be all alone down here."

GLaDOS chuckled, staring at Rattmann. _"This is the part where perhaps I'm a little more computer than human. All of the actions we did, our little crew: we did it for our own special reasons. You did it for the test subject."_ She turned to Calypso. _"You did it for the company."_ She turned to Rick. _"You did it for the adventure." _She turned to Wheatley. _"You did it for redemption."_ She turned to Chell. _"You did it for the freedom."_ She looked at them, somewhat sadly._ "Me? I did it for the tests. Now go, before I change my mind."_

The doors closed. Chell looked up at GLaDOS and pressed her palm against the glass as the elevator ascended to the surface.

* * *

><p>She stepped out into the open air. A light breeze brushed against her cheek. In every direction, corn fields. Freedom. Thank god.<p>

That elevator was a really tight squeeze.

"AGH!" Wheatley shouted. She really wished he hadn't. "Why is it so BRIGHT? Couldn't it be dark like down in the maintenance areas?!"

Rattmann laughed. "Better get used to it, big guy," he said. It made sense: I mean, Wheatley was _tall_.

Chell looked out into the field. "There's a town about a mile out from here," she said. She looked over at Wheatley. "How are you at walking?"

Wheatley looked down at his feet. "Should be easy enough," he said after a moment. He lifted one foot, wobbled extremely, then set it down a few inches ahead. And then he fell over.

"Blimey!" he shouted. "How do you humans do this without falling over?"

"Easy enough for me," Calypso said. She reached out her palm and pulled Wheatley up.

He stumbled slightly, still not quite having his walking legs. Finally, he managed to hold his ground. "Ok, I've got the hang of it! The only thing that can make me fall over now is a sudden shock!"

Something smashed into the ground in front of them, leaving a small crater right in the middle of the cornfield. A peculiar looking human climbed out and felt around.

"I'm home! I'm home! No more space! Ooh, lady! Lady from the tests! And scraggly-haired guy from the maintenance areas! I was in space! Can you believe it? Back from space! Came from above! Came from space!"

Wheatley stared at the figure, then at Chell. Then at the figure, then at Chell. And then at the sky, for he had fallen over from a sudden shock. Chell sighed, and she and Calypso helped Wheatley up.

"WHEATLEY, BUDDY!" Space Core shouted, giving him a bear hug. Wheatley didn't actually need to breathe, but that hug was enough to knock the wind out of him. "I MISSED YOU!"

"Yeah, missed you too, mate," Wheatley wheezed. "I say no to space. I just feel like staying on earth."

"Space too big. I'm staying too," Space Core agreed, patting Wheatley on the back. He looked over at Rick. "RICK, BUDDY!"

"Ah crap," Rick groaned as Space Core gave him an even bigger bear hug. "Yeah, yeah," he gasped, patting Space Core on the back. "Missed ya too…"

Space Core released his grip and looked at Calypso up and down. "I don't know you!" he said, his tone staying exactly the same.

"I'm Calypso," Calypso said, eyeing Space Core with some amusement.

"Like the Titan from the _Odyssey_?" Space Core asked. "Love that book! CALYPSO, BUDDY!" And he gave her a bear hug.

Calypso, surprised, hugged back. "I like him," she whispered to Chell. "Can we keep him?"

"Welcome to the crew, Space Core," Rick said approvingly. "Umm…not that 'Space Core' is bad or anything, but maybe you need a real name."

"How about Buzz?" Wheatley suggested. "You know, first guy on Mars."

"Actually, that was—" Rattmann started to say.

"I like Buzz," Space Core said, beaming. "Call me Buzz."

"Welcome to the crew, Buzz," Rick said.

They all stood there silently, taking in this moment. They stood like that for quite some time.

Finally, Calypso broke the silence. "Now what?"

"Now," Chell said, walking into the field ahead of them. "We enter the real world."

And then a wonderful thing hit her. She wasn't lonely any more.

* * *

><p>"<strong>-ake her a member of the midnight crew."<strong>

"**First chorus completed. Do you wish to end song?"**

"_No…keep it playing. I think I understand it now."_


	13. One Last Thing

**One Last Thing**

"There's just one thing I can't figure out?" Wheatley pondered as they approached the town. "Whatever happened to the Fact Core?"

"He got sucked out into space," Chell replied. "I'm guessing he wasn't out there with you and Buzz?"

"For all we know, he's on Mars right now," Rick replied.

* * *

><p>"<em>Fact: The Fact Core is almighty. The Fact Core is smarter than anyone. The Fact Core is your leader.<em>"

"ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY FACT CORE, SAVIOR OF THE MEN FROM MARS!"

"FACT: HE HAS GIVEN US DETAILS OF EARTH'S TECHNOLOGY!"

"FACT: HE HAS TAUGHT US THAT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF IS POISONOUS TO HUMANS!"

"FACT: HE SHALL LEAD US MARTIANS IN OUR GLORIOUS INVASION OF THE PLANET EARTH WHEREUPON WE SHALL DEFEAT THEM WITH ICE CREAM AND GLITTER!"

**"ALL HAIL! ALL HAIL! ALL HAIL!"**

"_Fact: I like it here._"


End file.
